Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I never realized.

I know it's stupid, it's irrational and completely irrational......but I miss him.

I never really knew the impact he would have on me, I thought it was just another straight crush, and like the rest of them it would come and it would go and I'd move on.

But I still miss him. I don't know what it was about him exactly, and I don't know what brings on these moods. Could be the feeling of being alone, or could be longing for something I know I can't have. I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year, haven't seen him in that long either, but something about him, something inside of him maybe, I miss so much.

It's not crying myself to sleep at night kind of missing, it's not a "I can't live without him" missing, I just miss seeing him, I miss talking to him, and I miss listening to him.

I hope wherever he ended up, that he's happy and following his own dreams, because that's the only way I can accept his absence.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

The cost of help.

Everyone is raised differently. Different values, different ideas and different styles of friendship. This is something that no matter how old I get, I have a hard time grasping or understanding.

Today on my day off I got asked to help E cut up meat at his house because he was butchering a hog and making bratwurst. He said it would take 3-4 hours, we'd just cut it up, grind it and then he and my brother would stuff of the casings on Sunday. E has always helped me when I need help so I was more than happy to help him. Honestly I would have helped him even if he hadn't ever helped me.

So as we were working he changed the plan and we started doing all parts of the project, turning a 3-4 hour job into an all day and possibly all night affair. I had made plans with S long before this came about and S and I were heading out of town around 3:30, and E knew this. I stayed until 5 o'clock when S was calling really getting irritated because we were now over an hour behind schedule, so I told E I had to go. He said he understood and seemed cool with it since this was planned before me getting involved with helping him. I thought things were cool and I cleaned up and gathered my stuff. By this time 2 other people had shown up to help and I really wasn't doing much anyway, so I figured I was good to go.

As I'm heading out the door I apologized and said I wish I could stay and help longer, and E replied with "yeah, me too because you owe me big time" It struck a cord and I shut the door and walked out in disbelief that I just heard that.

Seriously? I owe him big time? I've heard a few comments from him before about friends that owe him money and he was collecting it from them by them doing things for him. Helping with his roof, helping with siding the garage, etc... I did borrow money from him because I was being threatened by two separate law offices to be sued over a matter of $800 from AFLAC for a story that's too long and boring filled with bitterness to repeat.

I never asked him for the money, I never begged him for anything. Everything he's ever done for me, he's done on his own accord. He's offered his help, and I accepted, never did I think I was entering into a contract to work off debt. I have made payments of cash to repay him, I thank him endlessly when he helps, I thought it was one friend helping another friend, but apparently there is a little record keeper keeping track of hours and money used to help me and figuring out what I have to do to repay the favor.

I don't understand friendship like that. I was raised that if you want to help someone you do it because you want to help, not because you expect anything in return but a simple thank you. If I had kept track of all the people I've helped over the years I should have never spent a day alone in this business. I've never held anything over anyone's head and I never expected anyone to help me because they owe me. I never once helped someone because I might need help in the future. When I help people it's because I genuinely want to help. Somehow along the way I'm the only one that thinks this way.

My father has made statements like "after all the help I've given so and so and they aren't here to help me now" and similar statements from my brother, and now this? People often think I'm just too proud to ask for help, it's not pride at all, it's fear of entering into this unspoken and unwritten contract of servitude. Where did all this come from?

I'm just at a loss of how to proceed with this. If I had the money I'd just pay him back in full, but it's going to take another month or so. I was going to skip a payment or so, so I could save up some money to buy a new vehicle, but now I'd rather get him paid off and done with before I move on. It makes me glad I haven't accepted all his help. The other day we spoke and he was offended because I didn't accept all of his help. How can we go from that conversation to this one? Was he offended because he couldn't hold it over my head? Did he have a project he needs help with in the future and is trying to secure the help to do it?

I'm pissed and I'm hurt that he thinks he needs to do something for me in order to ask me for help. Have I done something to create this situation? I just don't understand how this works. When have I repaid the favor so I don't feel like I HAVE to help if I have something else going on?

I talked about it with S today on our trip and he was flabergasted as well. Many of my friends are the same as me, we don't keep track of who helps who when and for how long or how big of a job it was. We help when we can and when the other person needs it. S has called me randomly to see if I could come over and help move a couch or t.v. or help take his brakes apart and I go and help and we have a good time and it was enough. I've called S to come help me with my car, or to help at the store for some random reason and he's come over and never asked for anything in return. The same goes for Free and me, we do what we can, when we can and don't expect anything in return except a simple thank you. I guess I was just naive in thinking that's what friendship was about, like treating one another like family.

Like I said I don't know how to move forward with this and get past it. Until I tell E how I feel about this, I don't think I'm ever going to be able to act normally around him.

Maybe I'm just wrong and it's how it's supposed to work. Maybe I'm the odd man out in this situation, I don't really know, but I don't think it's right to offer someone help and expect things in return. I'm always offering help, and always answer the call to help with whatever and whenever I can. Doing things because I feel obligated to do them does not make me feel good, it makes me resent whatever I'm doing and whoever I'm doing it for, and that's never a plesent situation.

Oh well, I've given this enough thought for tonight. I have to work at 7 am tomorrow and then we're getting our family pictures taken the rest of the afternoon, so I better get to bed on time tonight. I still have so much to blog about, but this just really hit a nerve with me tonight. Maybe now that it's out of my head mostly I can blog about the good things happening recently mixed in with the frustrating.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I'm 32 and helpless.

I remember when I was 16 and learned how to drive and what a great feeling it was, and when I bought my first car it was even more awesome because it came with this sense of freedom. How I wish I could feel that again. In a matter of 10 minutes I went from free and independent to relying on people completely. I never realized how horrible this would feel, knowing I can't get anywhere without the help of others. I can't get to the store, I can't go visit friends, I can't run errands, nothing without feeling like a burden on others.

Sadly it's only been 24 hours and I'm already tired of this. I'm tired of already feeling sorry for myself, maybe I'll learn something about being forced to stay home, maybe I'll get somethings accomplished, who knows. God is trying to tell me something, maybe I've just been making myself so busy I couldn't hear him. Maybe this is a sign from Him. I don't know, but He's got my attention now.

If anything at least I have a vehicle locked in to get to Cincinnati. I can't wait, as if the trip and the people involved weren't enough to be excited about, now I'm even more excited because it gets me out of my house. lol.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Things

So tonight I went with my brother and a friend of ours to a place called "Funny Bone" a little comedy club not far from here and saw Tom Foss. I had never heard of him, but he came highly recommended so I shelled out a few bucks to go laugh and have a good time. He.was.hilarious.



It was kind of awkward at one point listening to my brother and our friend E talk about the waitress helping the tables behind us talking about how they were wishing she was helping us. I on the other hand was enjoying our waiter, very cute, friendly and just down right yummy. I even covertly was flirting with him unbeknowest to my brother and E, or maybe they knew but thought I was being funny. lol. He was leaning down asking me what I wanted to drink and I told him I am what I drink and ordered a drink called the "Big & Easy" (sometimes I swear I crack myself up) he kind of paused and looked at me and giggled a little and said "Sounds good, be back in a bit" It was fun. :) Yes, I'm so bad. ;)

I had a great night though full of laughter and conversation.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of my Realtor bringing people by to look at my place. While the timing left something to be desired, the people seemed even more interested after viewing the place and now want to sit down with my financials and review somethings....which means they've been pre-approved or have a letter from the bank proving they are financially elligible to borrow this kind of money. So I'm hoping, or at least praying that this turns into something.

I can't believe I still have another 2 weeks before I go to Cincinnati for guy's wedding. It feels like it's forever and a day away!!! I haven't gotten away for quite awhile and I'm so ready. I'm so ready to see B again, to see J and C again, to see guy again and this time I even get to see some old friend's from Michigan! It should be quite an entertaining night!! Arg, can't I leave yet?

To make the trip even better I don't have to worry about the health of my truck on this trip. A friend of mine just bought an additional truck for his "fleet" of vehicles lol and told me he wanted me to drive that truck to Cinci. so he wouldn't have to worry about fixing my truck when I get back lol. So I get a nice truck to drive down there and don't have to worry too much about my safety. lol.

Well I think I've rambled on enough for tonight, it's way late and I've got a ton to do tomorrow. Maybe I'll get some time to talk about my horrible day the other day at work and the horrible emotional flashbacks I had. I'm too tired to get into it tonight.

Have a great day!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Transitions

I sit here after I left a party of the person people think I am and find myself in the facebook world of what once was as I head into the world of what I am now (if that makes ANY sense at all) and wonder, where will it end?

A friend of mine from college who has no idea about who I really am, well that's not really the case, he knows "who" I am, but doesn't know I'm gay found me on facebook. While this isn't really a problem or concern, he's one of the people that will be part of the merging worlds in a couple of weeks.

I often thought guy was crazy for being so worried about worlds colliding back a few years ago when Bethany I formed a friendship that was guided by God (being only slightly overdramatic) but I'm suddenly realizing for different reasons why it's so strange, weird and chaotic. While I love the idea of my friends from past and present meeting eachother I worry about the out come. Not because one is better than another, but that they won't mesh.

The world from before meeting the world of today is scary. I won't hide the truth from the people of the past as they enter the world of now, but it doesn't stop me from being a little worried about worlds colliding. I've always made friends from many different worlds, but when they meet each other it's not always plesant and I worry.

This probably makes no sense to anyone reading this, and it probably won't make sense to me tomorrow, but it's on my mind.

It's going to be intersting, and I honestly can't wait, but I worry. I'm more worried about the past meeting the present than I am the present meeting the past. It comes down to two different sides of my life meeting one another........and honestly what one another will think of the other.

Crazy I know, it's going to be fine and in the morning I'll be just as confused reading this as you are now, and we'll all get through this together. lol.






I'm sorry in advance for the randomness and craziness of this post. I've had a bit too much to drink tonight and I seem to have problems communicating my ideas.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Sunday nights

I really don't think I could ever watch my Sunday night shows with everyone and let them see me cry week after week, after week. Damn those writers of Brother's and Sister's, they know how to get to me week after week. lol.

I had planned on doing things after work, visiting my brother, some housework, etc... but by the time my dang photos uploaded onto facebook the night was nearly over so I haven't really moved. I caught up on my shows and watched the new ones and then went and dried the tears....arg.


I wish I had more to write, but just not feeling it today. It was such a good day, everything went well, everyone got along, I almost wish I had left the house to see just how good anything else could have gone lol. But here I am, sitting in front of the computer. I did however manage to put my flannel sheets on my bed and sadly put the electric blanket on my bed because the last few nights have just been too cold, and it was either the electric blanket or the furnace, and I chose the lesser of two evils. lol.

Last year I didn't put the electric blanket on the bed until after Thanksgiving. Damn the weather this year. lol.

Have a great day everyone!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Past coming back to haunt me.

It's nothing really major, it's more or less thoughts and behaviors of the past haunting me and I'm not sure how to get past it. It seems every week God brings something to my attention and as the weeks go by it's becoming so overwhelming to realize how much is wrong inside of me!

So here's the story.

So today I was unfortunately placed on front register for supper rush. I don't like front register in this store. In the old store the counter was taller and hid more of my body and I felt less self conscious and enjoyed the customers. In the new store the counter is lower and smaller and I am closer to the customer and more exposed and it's unnerving for me. But I had had a fairly decent day up unto this point so I didn't have a melt down or anything lol. I had served a fairly large amount of people and it slowed down and people were coming up for refills. One particular handsome young man, about the age I would say about 25 or so came up for a refill. I'm rather shy I keep chit chat to small talk with all the customers and it was the same with him. He started to ask questions like "how's your night going" and things like that but said it like it wasn't just small talk to him and I instantly froze up.

My mind instantly switched to defense, I kept wondering why he would ask me that, were him and his friends trying to get more information to make fun of me from their booth? Were they laughing at me and making up things about me while eating dinner? Were they just trying to get me to say something stupid, or any number of other thoughts that were running through my mind at the time. I instantly knew it was ridiculous for me to be thinking this, I knew nothing about this guy, he could just be a geniunly nice person just asking about another human being, and a part of me thought, what if he was hitting on me? I knew it wasn't the situation, but I thought to myself, What if someone WAS hitting on me, or trying to get to know me and I pushed them away and got defensive just because I couldn't believe that anyone as cute as that would ever want to know me without knowing something about me or someone I knew before hand?

I began to think back to a party I attended at college. It was a "frat" party at the only frat house near campus. I was with some friends of mine having a really good time and this hot girl came up to me. She was the kind of woman most men drool over and try and try to get them to talk to them, you know the type, tiny, blonde, big rack. I really couldn't have cared any less about her looks, but it's setting up the story here. These parties were BYOB and I had a cooler of beer under the bench that Leigh Ann, Rianna and I were sitting on. So anyway this girl walks to me and asks where the beer was at. I looked at her and told her it was a bring your own kind of party. She looks at me and starts to twirl her hair and says, "Well do you know where me and my friend could find some beer?" I just looked at her and the defense went up because I knew if a pretty girl or boy was talking to me it was because the wanted something. I told her "So I suppose you think that since you think you're so hot and I'm over weight that I would be drooling and think that if I gave you beer you would be my friend or hang out with me and I would do whatever it took to keep you happy and you wouldn't have to run down to the store and buy yourself your own beer? Well I hate to disappoint you but you're barking up the wrong fat tree, this fat man is not nearly as desperate as I might seem" I turned back around and continued my conversation with my friends.

I look back now and think what an asshole thing to do, I knew she only wanted beer, it's not like I even wanted to talk to her, or want her attention. At the time I had a very nice man named Danny that was trying to get to me, what did I need with her? I think why didn't I just do the nice thing and share the damn beer? At the time I knew that if I did she would think that every overweight guy would bow to their every need just because she twirled her hair, or batted her eyes and I couldn't let that happen. I look back now and think I could have just offered her a beer and been nice about it and just not give her the kind of attention she wanted, but I could have still been a nice guy.

The defenses I have in my head are scarry at times. I wonder how many nice people I refused to talk to, or shoved away from my life just because they wanted to talk to me, or wanted to ask me a question. How many great experiences have I missed out on? How many great potential friends have I missed out on? How many opportunities have I missed out on? All because I thought I wasn't worth enough to talk to someone? It makes me really sad to think about. Could I have pushed away someone that loved me? Someone that wanted to love me? Someone that tried to love me? There are times in this life I feel like a horrible person, no matter how much love I try to share with my friends and family, why can't I share that love with strangers? What is it that makes me so uncomfortable? Could it really just be me?

At what point in my life did I decide I wasn't worth it? Was there one particular point in my life that these gaurds went up in my head? Or is it the years of torment and letting people tell me who I was? Letting people decide how I felt about myself? How does one go about lowering these defenses? Is it like a 48 hour stand down like potential nuclear wars? I'm just not sure what to do about it but work on it. I'm starting to think that the first thing I need to do, the core of all these issues is spend more time believing in myself and like Bethany keeps telling me, stop letting others let me decide how I feel about myself.

It sounds so easy when I type it, it sounds so easy when people speak it. The hard part is listening to it and following through with it.

They always say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Why do my feet feel like they are made of lead?


On a completely unrelated note, I'm suddenly hungry for Resee's cups. It's probably a good thing I ran out of them in the store otherwise I might horde them for myself. lol. Yeah I know Jake knows where I'm coming from. lol.