Thursday, September 24, 2009

This week in the life of........oh yeah, Me!

I type this from the comfort of my wonderful new big boy chair. :) You would think I would have learned a long time ago that I should buy furniture built for guys of bigger size like myself, but sadly it takes me so long to catch on to things. lol. Last week I had an incident with the last of my two office chairs I bought this year. I snapped the back of the one in the house a month or so ago and then last week I snapped one of the legs off of the other chair. They were built for people that weight much less than me, but they were cheap. It doesn't help I'm rather hard on furniture, but regardless it was the motivation I needed to order the office chair I'm sitting in currently. Steel framed, wider, taller and fantastic! I could jump around on this thing and not break it! I like things that make me feel small. :)

So anyway, it's been a dull week. My work schedule was crazy, my day off was spent making prettles, and all that dull stuff. It wasn't really exciting. Last Tuesday poor Norm was in incredible pain because of the viral infection in the nerves of his hand, an ongoing problem, and his meds weren't working so I didn't go over for our usual Tuesday evening fun, so I was kind of bummed most of the week. To be honest I didn't really do anything exciting last week except get my kitchen finally all cleaned up and organized and purged, so it's not all bad. lol.

Yesterday I did get to go to Ron and Norm's again which was great. I really do enjoy spending time with them. I don't know how but we always manage to find something different to talk about. I pried a little further into Norm's personal life, I'm still pieceing together so much about both of them. I didn't realize that Norm was 63! I was asking him about coming out to his parents and such and he went into the story about how he was nearly disowned and was required to cut all contact with all of his current friends because it was their fault. He said his first love was drafted to Vietnam and Norm's parents made him stop sending letters and cut all ties with him and monitored everything he did and everyone he communicated with. He was brought to tears telling me about how the man he loved died in Vietnam never understanding why he stopped getting letters from the one person he cared the most about.

We talked about the times and how things have changed, but I told him I just didn't see it that differently anymore and Norm tried to explain to me how much easier it is now adays. He has so many stories of the people he's met, the things he's done, the people he's done (lol), and the things he's seen. He's just a vault of information. During this conversation I was about to broach a subject that was going to give away my sexuality per say and I stopped to ask "You guys figured out by now that I'm gay right?" And Norm mustered up the most feminine voice he could find and said "bitch please" which made me burst out in laughter. Ron came out from the house and started laughing and said, huh, finally wanted to tell us huh? It was a good laugh.

We didn't really talk much about my situation, I just listened to their stories. Ron is much younger than Norm so the stories are a bit different, but it was just a great night like usual. The conversations were much easier because I stopped filtering myself and it made the two of them laugh even harder. I enjoy free conversations so much more than filtered. lol.

So it's done, it's been said and I feel better. There are still many hurdles in front of me, I talked about some of those with my friend LeighAnn last week during our 5 hour phone conversation. lol. She has a hard time understanding why I'm waiting to tell my parents, why I'm so worried, but she's never met them. While most of me believes it will be o.k. there is still another part of me quite worried about how it will change my relationship with them. All in good time, all in good time.

So I keep going along every day. I'm getting ready to start talking to new realtors soon, my contract is up in a couple of weeks and I'm ready to find someone who will sell this place and earn the money they will make off of it. I'm ready to move, I'm ready to stop living in Limbo and move on already. I will really miss some of the people around here, but I know it's going to be just fine, if not better. I've definately strengthened relationships while I've been here. :)

Well that's all from me today, better get to bed, have to work all day tomorrow!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

True confessions

Sometimes I get into a mood to share with my friends things that clog up my mind from time to time, things I just want to get off of my chest, and since only a select few of you actually read this blog I'm o.k. with releasing this information. lol.

1. Sometimes I hate things just because they are popular.
I fight so many things when they are popular, I'm not sure why, maybe it's a rebellion thing, or tying to go against the grain to be the mysterious cool guy. Whatever the reason, I find it irritating. lol. When "Friends" first aired and everyone flocked to it, I refused to watch it, I told everyone how stupid it was and I had better things to do with my time. I actually stuck to it because I really did have other things to do. But one fateful night my second year in college when I started living with Dan, he made me watch the show and I fell in love. I now can recite just about every line and recall every episode. I nearly missed one of the greatest shows on t.v. because of my bullheadedness.

2. I really don't hate country music.....and I don't hate all rap.
I've built my life around telling people I didn't like country. It's all people every listen to around here, they turn off my 80's hair bands and turn on the country station. For awhile I really didn't like it for that reason alone, but as I've grown in my old age, I can sing along with many country songs and will secretly listen to country in my truck when I'm driving. I still don't care for all that much rap and hip hop, but I do listen to some. Don't ask me why I keep telling people how much I hate country music, but I do.

3. The real reason I joined the cub scouts.
My mom wanted me to join the cub scouts in the fourth grade to make more male friends and learn some skills. I had no interest in joining, I didn't like the kids that I knew were joining and I was just uncomfortable in my skin. A few days before the deadline the den mother's son asked me if I was joining because he thought I'd have fun, and I instantly wanted to join. I didn't know why exactly back then, but after looking back, it's because he was so cute and I felt an attraction to him. I quit after 1 year because he was an ass and I didn't like the other guys in my den.

4. I love underwear.
I do have an obsession. If I could fit into a normal size I would have closets upon closets of underwear. I think underwear can make you feel sexy even if you know you don't look sexy in it. Not to mention there is something so vulnerable about being in your underwear, a sense of comfort and letting your guard down. You can be whoever you want under your clothes, you can go for comfort or you can be totally outrageous and no one ever has to know. You can really let yourself be whoever you want to be under your clothes, it's great.

5. I really don't hate my job.
I complain about my job but mostly because of the customers and drama the employees bring in with them. I like having a structured environment, knowing what I have to do, what has to get done, and feeling accomplished when it gets done. I like to complain about my job, but there is a reason I keep going back for the last 15 years. Every food job I've ever had I've tried to run like a fast food joint because after all they have had years of experience in trying and failing different ways to do things and they do it because it works.

6. I like to push blame onto others and use excuses.
This is one of the biggest issues God has been forcing me to work through over the last several years. I used to blame others for my shortfalls to avoid confrontation with whoever was in charge and make excuses to make me feel better for whatever screw up I made at that time. The more I noticed it the more I got tired of my own excuses, tired of listening to myself and started to take responsibility. It was way beyond my comfort zone and still find myself doing it from time to time, but I'm getting so much better.

7. I enjoy watching people sleep.
I know it sounds creepy right? I don't go out of my way to sneak anywhere to watch anyone sleep, I swear I don't. But if one of my friends falls asleep in a chair next to me, or beside me in the car or whatever I enjoy watching them sleep. There is something about people when they sleep that is so mesmerizing. We are never quite aware of the stress we carry in our face, a face that is asleep is totally different and I love seeing it on people. To watch the rhythmic breathing and stress free look on their face is calming to me. Some of my friends are so wired most of the time to see them at rest is like getting to know a whole other side of them. And now none of you will ever fall asleep around me. lol.

8. I have an obsession with checking out guys in the drive thru.
Yes, I cruise guys all day long at work in the drive thru. I notice their hair, what they are wearing, how they are wearing it and watch for something sexy. I notice what they have in their cars and wonder where they are going, who they spend time with, etc... I judge women on how their boyfriends/husbands are. lol. It's not good, it's probably not healthy, but it's just how I am. :)

9. If I won the lotto I would hire someone full time to scratch my back.
My sweet spot is my back, simple scratching, lightly sometimes hard scratching is all it takes to make me melt. My ex. used to lightly scratch my back in bed as I was falling asleep and it was amazing. I can never get my back scratched enough. Sick isn't it? lol.

10. Reality T.v.
I tell people about how I don't watch reality t.v. and I've never just gotten the appeal to it, but I was the orginal watcher. I started with Real World 1-4 and loved it! I grew apart from it because it became over the top and a social commentary from people I didn't really care to listen to. I got sucked into Joe Millionare because Evan had a body I liked to drool over, but I hated the show and swore off reality t.v. all together...........then came Bravo. I am hooked on nearly every Bravo reality t.v. show they have. All the housewives, Flipping Out, Top Chef, etc... I don't know what it is about train wrecks that is so appealing, but I watch hours and hours of it when it's on. lol. As I sit here typing this I've been watching Real Housewives of Atlanta since 4 o'clock while I've been running back and forth doing all my chores etc...

11. Telling people I don't cry.
I have always tried to put on at least a little macho face by telling people I don't cry, but the truth is, I cry quite a bit. Not ugly sobbing crying, but I get choked up and tear up quite a bit to various things. Sometimes it's music, mostly live, or a good marching band, movies, sometimes commercial, and even certain episodes of sitcoms. It's one of the reasons I've loved living alone because I could have those moments and not get picked on, when I'm with people I usually start cracking jokes to divert the energy away from tears into laughter. I'm horrible. lol.

12. I'm one of the most perverted people you'll probably ever meet.
It's true, I'm a big ole pervert and can turn nearly any conversation into something sexual. I don't know where I picked up on it, how it started or anything, but there are times I act like a middle schooler. In my older years I've been able to pull back on that quite a bit and keep my mouth shut and can usually push those thoughts to the back of my mind and carry on conversations with adults now, but sometimes, it appears.

13. I honestly have to consiously pull myself back from drinking.
There have been many many points in my life where I have found myself out of control and have to conciously make an effort to say no and to scale back. It takes tons of will power to prevent myself from losing control. I could probably get drunk every night and not think too much of it, it's in my blood. I have uncles that shake if they don't have at least a beer a day, and a father who had to quit drinking cold turkey if he wanted to be a part of our family. My father was never abusive, my father was never out of hand, he just drank, and drank a lot. He told my sister once he hardly remembers her child hood and when it was brought to his attention he quit immediately. He worries at times about his kids, but I think I've finally got it under control. I do like to go out, but if I'm going out, that's it for the week. I have had weeks where I'll have a glass of wine or a mixed drink or two throughout the week and I can do that now. I'm not the type of person anymore that if I drink one I have to drink 12, it's just not me. Sometimes when I'm out I drink one and I'm done, and other nights I drink more than that, but I don't like being drunk.


So why all the confessions? I think it's fun to share things with friends. Somethings don't come up in conversation, some are just fun and sometimes I just have to let it go.

So what's some crazy things from you guys?

Sunday, September 13, 2009

More random thoughts.....by me. :)

It's been a little while since I've updated, I'm having issues with time right now, learning how to manage it and all. lol. I'm also very uncomfortable in front of my home computer because of my office chair being broken in half, so I don't sit there as much as I should. Today though I had to prepare an order for the morning and now I'm watching 49 pounds of Ribeye sandwiches thaw out, so I decided to make use of my office computer, the faster and more comfortable of the two. lol.

I've been amazed over the last two weeks at the comments, emails, messages, phone calls, and hear say that I've been hearing and receiving. People have stopped me to tell me how much happier I look, how much more rested I look and what a completely different person I've become in the last three weeks. My own parents made the comment it was nice to have me back. While I could feel this change within me, I never realized I showed so much of it on the outside!?! I was talking to one of my coworkers today who talked to me about it that I really do feel different, I feel as if I found my old self again. My old self being the happy smiley guy that makes people laugh and is so friendly!

Since the changing of the store hours and such I'm amazed at how rested I feel, how much energy I find in myself and how easy some things are coming to me again. I really can see things differently, I hope differently, I wish differently, I interact differently. I enjoy this so much! I didn't really realize how fast I lost all that when I was running the store full time, I never fully understood everything it took out of me, until this last year. I noticed how snarky I was getting, how short I got with people at even a slight mention of this place, and I'm so glad it's gone......that mood that is, the store is still here. lol.

I have been feeling good, I have felt God working within me again, and I can see how well he's taking care of me during this transition. I can actually hear and fully listen to what God has been telling me now, I've been allowing him to dig deeper into my heart to help me heal all these wounds I've so bitterly buried in dirt and lemon juice. Why lemon juice? Because even though I buried them so deeply in the sand, they still burned and itched without me even knowing why. It's a tough analogy, but I'm sticking with it. ;)

I'm glad people can see the difference, because it is so hard for me to explain what changed, or how I feel so different. No one could ever really understand what the last three years has been like, no one can truly feel the effects the last 9 years has had on me. They watched it and seen the effects, but no one can every really know what it feels like. My mom asked me what it's like and I told her it's like I'm on vacation. I'm still working 49 hours a week on average, but it is really like a real vacation for me. I told her this is how I feel when I am in Cincinnati, and she finally understood so much of what I've been trying to explain to her.

This past week I got to talk to my pastor for a bit, I had some drawings shipped to my mom's office at the church and went to pick them up and while there he asked to see the drawings. He asked me a lot of questions, not all pertaining to the drawings, some just about life in general. He kept asking, Why Cincinnati? And to be honest, besides having some really great friends there, I don't have an answer. I have great friends all over the country, but on that drive home from one of my trips after Bethany and I talked about me possibly moving, I prayed, and I prayed, and I asked God, and I still can't explain it, but I feel like it's where I should be going next. I told my mom during lunch one day I don't know if that's where I'll stay forever, or if I'll be there for a few years, or what will happen there, I just know that's my next move.

Having a roommate again is something I never thought I would want, and it's going to be different, but I'm looking forward to it. Moving 3 hours away from my family is not something I ever thought I would do again, but it feels right. Somethings in life just can't be explained, I just know there is something there for me, something I've dreamt about without knowing what it is. I told my pastor that Napoleon felt like a pair of pants that were now two sizes too small, they were fine when I was smaller, but now that I've grown I just don't fit into them anymore.

Anyway, enough with the heavy stuff. :)

So a couple of weeks ago my friend Norm came into the store for his usual purchases which includes a box of his favorite wine. I told him I had to stop by and drop off my dad's computer to be fixed by his partner Norm and he was so excited I was actually coming over without a party invitation. lol. They have been after me to just stop by and visit with them, but with my old schedule it was just never a good time. Well now with Tuesday's being my only day at the store I have the night off from my full time job and it was going to work out great. I went over dropped off the computer and while I was standing in the dining room talking to Ron I hear Norm call out from the patio off the basement that the cocktails are being served. lol. I head on down there thinking I'd stay for a drink or two, have some great conversation and I'd be off for home. Well one led to two, and so on and so forth and the three of us were on the patio for at least 3 hours before we finally headed into the family room where Ron had set up a series of movies they wanted to show me. They were some really off the wall cult classics and we laughed hysterically until well into the morning. It was around 2:30am before I was ready to go, but being in no condition to drive I crashed on the couch.

We've since turned this into a regular Tuesday thing. Norm said they really enjoy my company and have such a good time, and I too have so much fun and enjoy their company. They are what I thought was 1 of 2 gay couples in Naptown, but they shared stories of years gone by of quite a different little town. To hear the names they were using and the places, and the things that have gone on, it's quite a different place than I imagined! They have lived quite interesting lives so far, and have been together for 29 years this year. They are not quite the couple I thought they were, but to see them interact is so amazing. To see the love they share gives me such hope for the future. To see 29 years of history and still see how they are today, I'm always just so amazed.

I have yet to actually tell them flat out that I'm gay, and I'm not sure why. I'm fairly certain that they know, and are probably just waiting for me to say, but I still haven't. I don't want to make a big deal about it, I'm going to just casually drop it into conversation sometime and see if they react at all. I'm not afraid to tell them, it just hasn't come up yet. I think a part of me is still a little paranoid about telling anyone in town with the way word travels around here, but I trust them more than I did before, our friendships have deepened I believe. I hope we continue our Tuesday night adventures into the world of bad movies and funny stories because they are something I've come to really look forward too.

If you've never caught a Jon Waters film, and I'm sure you have, you just haven't lived. lol. Jon Waters did the film Hairspray and a slew and plethora of other films, but the cult classics are the ones no one talks about, they really aren't for everyone as I think most of my friends would be horrified by some of them, but I found them utterly hilarious and contain lines that haunt you and come to you and some of the strangest times. lol. He used many of the same crew of actors and actresses in them so it just gets funnier. Divine Davenport is one of main reoccurring actors, she was a pretty big transvestite in the 70's and made tons of bad movies.

So anyway things are on the go here. Still trying to get the place sold, but still working in the mean time. While the constant kid drama at the other job gets to me some days I am able to leave it at work and come home and enjoy a life, and it's been great.