Friday, July 31, 2009

Free



No I'm not giving anything away for free, sorry to disappoint you lol. After reading B's 30 people who have influenced her life this past month I started to think about my own list, no real number of people, just everyone that has impacted my life in some way. I don't want to steal her idea because some of them I couldn't explain. I started looking through my blog here and realize just how much I've talked about S and it makes me sad that I've missed out on so many other people. I talk about S so much because he lives 6 houses down and I see him every day, he's my single partner in crime in a world filled with couples and families. We went to see F and C last weekend when we were bored because I hadn't seen them in awhile and F(ree) out of a joke (I hope) stated he had disconnected himself from me to make my moving away easier on him. I think he was joking, but it really hit home and made me realize, he really has gotten the short end of our friendship.

He told me once that I didn't appreciate his friendship and I used to argue with him about that, but the more I think about it the more I think he's probably right, I've always taken for granted that he would be around and he would be my friend and in the last few years I've become really laxed about putting forth an effort on my end, and I felt horrible. So I've been thinking about writing this post about Free to tell the world just how much he really does mean to me, and how he's one of the most influential people in my life.

Free and I met shortly after starting at the factory. I had just quit the only job I knew at Wendy's and went to factory work for more money and to work third shift while I went to school. My first night was tough, I was not used to third shift and I was surrounded by a whole new group of people, I didn't know anyone there and I'm terribly awkward in these situations. I found the job terribly boring with a lot of time to do nothing. I was on the other side of the weld room from a majority of the people in a section with two robots with me and a girl working. The girl was a bit odd and not very talkative so I pretty much let my mind run wild with all sorts of thoughts about life during the night to keep me awake. I was very quiet.

At lunch time I went to the break room and found everyone sitting together in groups and staring at me, so I turned around and went out to my car to smoke through lunch. After lunch I was working away on my robot and suddenly a forklift came flying into the area and the driver stared at me and caught me yawning for like the 12000th time that night. He loaded up a box and came back around and stopped and stared at me some more. I looked at him and smiled and said hello. He looked back at me and said "You and I are going to be friends" and then drove off. The lady next to me laughed and wished me luck because not too many people liked him. I was a little scared but when he came back around again he got off the tow motor and told me I yawn too much and struck up a conversation with me. This.guy.was.hilarious.

We hit it off and the next night we talked some more and at lunch time he took me to the break room and introduced me to a few people and had a good time. It was instant friendship, he was so fun and grew up so differently than me that it gave him such a different view point on everything I found it so refreshing. I discovered in a very short time that people didn't like him because he was so honest. He doesn't like to hold back, he's the type of guy that if a girl is crying at her machine and says "I don't know why I can't keep a man", he'll be more than happy to stop what he's doing and tell her why she couldn't keep her man.

The first time we hung out after work I believe he took me to the old church he owned out in the middle of BFE since I was going to school for architecture he wanted to show me the place because he wanted to turn it into a cool 2 story home eventually. It had been so long since I had made a new friend it was such a great feeling. We talked about everything, the past, the future, the present, religion, just about anything anyone could imagine. The one thing we didn't focus on was work, which was such a nice change of pace. Every other friend I had met up to that point was only ever focused on work, but many of the people I met there didn't want to talk about work outside of work and tried their best to stay away from it.

Free was the first person to ask me if I was gay. I guess some people at work were arguing about it and he was the only one that asked me. I remember that day, we were driving through gull woods on the way out to his property for some unkown reason. No one had ever asked me before and at this time I suspected it, I knew in my heart I was, but I wasn't ready to accept it. I remember hesitating and then laughed it off asking where that came from. He told me someone asked him at work and he told them it didn't matter one way or the other, and reassured me several times that he wouldn't care either way, as long as I was happy. I told him no, but he knew better because Free can see through me most of the time.

Free was the one that taught me it's o.k. to spend money on a good meal, that's o.k. to spend a little extra for a fun night out because life is so short. He taught me it's o.k. to slow down once in awhile because otherwise you get too serious about everything. He taught me it was o.k. to let loose, that work was not life, it's just what you have to do to pay the bills and be able to have fun. He taught me the world of inside jokes and it was o.k. if we were the only two laughing causing a scene at work because to us it was hilarious! Free taught me how to be myself and not worry so much about what other people thought and it was o.k. to think something that society didn't agree with. He taught me it was o.k. to cut people from my life who were draining or bad for me. Most importantly he taught me the value of true friendship. Through thick and thin, good and bad, health and sickness he was always there. He rode with me to a doctors appointment in Toledo after work because he was afraid my car would break down in the ice or that I would fall asleep. He was there to talk me through getting passed by on a promotion I had my heart set on. He was there when I dropped out of college, and he was the first face I saw when I got to work the night I was ready to off myself.

Free introduced me to some of the craziest people I ever met, and also introduced me to some of the kindest people I've ever known. He knew all sorts of people from all sorts of back grounds and in all sorts of different circumstances.

He took me to many parties with his old friends and I remember one in particular. It was my first real exposure to being around drugs. Some of his friends were passing pot around and they offered it to me and I said no, they didn't comment about or anything, they just passed it on to the next person. I talked to him later about how it was nice to not have to deal with any kind of pressure from his friends, he told me that he mentioned to them that if any of them gave me a hard time about anything he's whop thier as*es. He was/is my protector. I never felt unsafe with Free, I always knew he had my back. I often told him I hoped I would never be in a position to have to fight because I would be very bad at it and not be able to back him up in the same way, but I would do my best. A situation still hasn't come about, but I would take a bullet for him, and I'm not sure I've ever done enough for him to know that.

When I decided to go back to college and that it involved moving to Michigan, he was pretty upset. He knew it's what I wanted and needed to do and never tried to stop me. I was sad because I thought he and I would get a great bachelor pad together and have so much more time to hang out, and I know that was in his mind as well, but I had bigger things to do. He went with me to take my placement tests, he spent 5 hours on his own that day, he took my car and scoped out places to shop and hang out and showed them too me when I was done. He really got into it, trying to push me and help me along and talked me through a lot of indecisions at that time.

Shortly after I moved we lost touch. I'm not sure why, what happened or who happened, but life just happened and before I knew it, his number wasn't his number anymore, he didn't live in the same place, and I just couldn't find him anymore. I was so afraid that I had lost him forever, my life just wasn't the same without him. A couple of years had passed and I was at my grandmother's house visiting while the family got ready for my aunt's estate sale across the street. When I was leaving I was driving down the road and out of the corner of my eye saw a guy mowing the yard when it dawned on me, IT WAS FREE!!

I nearly lost control of my car as I whipped my car around in the parking lot across from his house, I nearly forgot to throw it in park as I was trying to get out of my car as quick as possible to get over there. He looked a little confused about the car in the parking lot until I got out and recognized me. I was so happy I even gave him a great big hug. I was there for at least an hour as we reaquainted ourselves. I was so happy that I had finally found him again. The next several years our visits were hit and miss, life kept him running and school kept me running. We still talked once in awhile when I was home.

After graduation I moved into an apartment in Michigan and stayed on at my job but had more freedom and was able to talk to him more. We met up several times when I was home and he even came up to see me! It was a very costly trip when he hit the ice and spun off the road, but that's another story. We began solidifying our friendship again. Each time was like time did not exist, that each visit was right after the other. One weekend at his place I told him I was moving home to buy a store. He was less than thrilled and it took me by surprise, but he couldn't understand how after all this time I would want to come back. He supported me, but had his reservations, with all good reason aparently.

Free was the first person I came out too. I posted about it here, but am too lazy to find the post. He's the same awesome person he's always been. I haven't been able to give him as much time as I've wanted because of this store, but he's living his life. He's got a beautiful baby girl now and but I don't get to see him nearly as much as I'd like, and I can take the blame for most of it. My life has gotten in the way which makes it so hard to think about leaving, without getting that time to spend with him.

The hardest part of leaving will be leaving him again. I've left my family before but we get closer. I've left S before and we stay friends, I'm just so afraid that the distance will once again seperate Free and I, but I'm bound and determined to not let it happen this time. I hope he will bring his family down to visit because there is so much to do there, so much I'd love to show them, and spending time with him is alway so much fun and enriches my life. I never take the time to tell him any of this, and I have a hard time showing him. I guess I always take for granted that people know how much they mean to me, but I know it's not always the case. I wanted to post this entry to be able to tell him and be able to tell others why he's such an awesome person and give him the credit he's due.

Thanks Free.

Decisions

So I've made some decisions regarding my store and I thought I would share them with you.

As of August 21 I will be lowering the operating hours of my store to 8 hours a week to be all in one day a week. I will be returning to Wendy's full time 5 days a week working 40 hours.

My big beer cooler is being shut down, hopefully saving hundreds upon hundreds of dollars on the electric bill. I'm closing most of my delivery accounts since they are fresh foods and such and will not be able to sell enough in one day to make it worth it. I will no longer carry things like the daily papers, milk and bread and such. I'm going to try and keep the deli operating on the day I'm open and for funeral orders and such until the sale. A big deli customer of mine is buying me thermal covers to cover the glass case on the days I'm not open to help it run more efficiently during these warmer months so I won't shut it down.

If you were paying attention to the hours you'll notice a lack of them really. Currently I work an average of 92 1/2 hours a week between the store and Wendy's and paperwork and such I do during closed hours. That doesn't include the time I spend on my third job designing homes and such which varies week to week. After this transition I'll be working just under 48 hours a week. This part has me rather excited. I'm sure I'll find plenty to do to fill the hours I'll be given, sleep at first and then start cleaning and fixing this place from top to bottom.

The other bonus to this transition will be the money aspect. Right now I'm borrowing roughly $1000 a month to keep this place open, after the transition I shouldn't need to borrow anything because my checks from Wendy's should cover the bills I will have. The first month or so while I pay off some of the credit accounts might be tight, but I'll survive. I'm more afraid of what it will do to the sale of the store. I will still be an operating business so the bank can stay off my back, but it's going to make selling harder. Then again it might make it easier if someone didn't want a carryout/deli, so I don't know. I made my decision and leaving the rest to God to sort out.

I'm very sad that it has come to this. I never expected this and never saw it coming, yet here it is. I'll be financially and physically better after this transition, but I worry about the sale. I'm not sure how long I will have to endure it, but it will be much easier than what I've been enduring for the last 6 months.

I'm not telling the public about this plan until August 20th. I've let a few of my faithful and loyal customers know when a change will be taking place, but have been very vague on the details. I don't feel as if the rest of these people even deserve to know any different. If they haven't supported me since I opened, I don't really care about their opinion. This transition is so bitter sweet, but it's something I have to do. Sometimes reality just sucks, but even that has a silver lining in it somewhere.

Pray for a sale.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Missed opportunities

So my friends Ron and Norm invited me to Ron's birthday party, Ron and Norm are the gay couple that befriended me and had me over at Christmas if you don't remember. I always enjoy their parties and their company. Each of them come see me at the store at least once a week and stick around for conversation, it's so nice.

So anyway I found out I had to work tonight and wouldn't get to attend the party but they ordered a tray and I said I would deliver it because I had a bit of a break between closing the store and going into the night job so I wanted to be able to at least stop by since it's so rare I get to visit them. They said they had company for the weekend so there would already be people there. Ron and Norm know some of the most hilarious and kind people so I'm always interested in meeting their friends.

When I arrived I headed down to the patio off of the basement where the beach to the pond is. Norm was there with another gay couple that I was introduced to and then they turned to the beach and pointed to the other gay couple there who were napping in the sand working on their tans. Oh.my. :drool: Two gorgeous hunks of men were napping shirtless on the beach and I nearly got light headed! It was worth the trip right then and there.

I had such a good time with all of them for the whole hour I was able to visit. I did spend most of the time adjusting my shirt and moving in my seat trying to feel less fat around all these beautiful people. What I found odd about my behavior is that they did nothing to make me feel like a blimp. They were all so kind and caring and so easy to talk to, but I couldn't stop feeling intimidated by them. I realize more and more just how uncomfortable I am in my own skin with every meeting of new people. I kept wondering why I keep doing this to myself, it was a good hour of nice conversation and I couldn't stop myself from being so self conscious.

I wanted to stay longer, I wanted to stay for the party. I think Ron and Norm have figured me out by now, no one has said for sure, but I'm pretty sure they know. Ron is my computer repair guy and last year or so when I had these computers rebuilt and repaired I had he working on an issue with my burner. I had just downloaded a soundtrack to an unwell known musical called "Naked Boys Singing" If you've never heard it, it's hilarious! Some people may not enjoy the naked dancing, but it's more about the music. But anyway the burner created a burn log with the title and such and he had to access the file to figure out the problem. I know in reading that file he read it and pieced it together. I have never talked about my ex-girlfriends and laugh when they first brought up dating a woman, so while never coming out and saying it, I've hinted and never denied it. I thought some day I would tell them but there never seems to be the time. It's not a conversationn to have at the store while being interrupted, and maybe that's why they keep wanting me to come over for cocktails after work. But we'll see. They are so kind and wonderful and their friends are just as awesome, so I'm enjoying this friendship. I can see myself stopping by every time I'm home after I move.

But alas I had to get to work and had to leave. I did score hugs from the hotties, oh yeah. ;)

They asked me to stop by after work and see if the lights were on, and after work I got there and the lights were on but it was quiet and I was very tired and dirty and smelly after work so I decided it would be best if I went home. I wish I had ventured down to the patio to see if anyone was there because they are so much fun, but I convinced myself I would be intruding and convinced myself I should go home. Some days I can't believe myself.

So I'm catching up online and S comes over VERY drunk from his evening. I don't see S this drunk very often. We had some good conversation and opportunities seemed to slowly be coming about, but I think he realized this and convinced himself to go home before they came to the surface. I was going back and forth in my mind about what to do, but the good me won and let him leave, I just know it would have changed everything in ways I don't think either one of us would have been prepared for, or really wanted. It would have been convenience for one of us, and would have been something more for another. It's best that I'm home alone and ready to go to bed alone. While sad at the missed opportunities, I know I'm better off.

Well anyway, I'm off to bed, just had to get that out of my head. Hopefully I won't have that damn college dream again.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Oh boy.

I really need to get a handle on these straight boy crushes, they are just not good for me. lol.


One's not so straight, but has a thing for S now, I could have seen that coming. lol.


Oh well, such is life.

;)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Our first sober heart to heart

I was amazed when I returned home on Sunday to find S calling me no more than 30 seconds after I had walked in the door. He had to come over ASAP to talk to me and had been calling every 15 minutes until I answered, and I just knew what it was about.

This past weekend our friend from high school and Wendy's R was coming home for the first time in 9 years and wanted to see us. I of course was already going to Cinci so he was going to hang out and stay with S. I kept joking with S that R was coming home to be reunited with him and beg him to come back to Akron with him and start over. S just laughed and laughed.

See R and S were each other's first for many things. They were friends in our group of friends from work and developed, somewhat secretly a love affair. It was not just about sex, it developed through so much more and while finding out was quite the secret filled drama year, we were all really hoping it would last. S and R are very different, R wears his heart on his sleeve while S does not like to show emotion, you really have to know him to understand him. They were good for each other, but R betrayed S in a very bad way. S, being himself ended it and it got ugly. R told everyone about the relationship and S was not ready to discuss it with anyone and was pretty much outed to several mutual friends who ended up turning on R because of his betrayal. Soon after R moved away, fell in love and disappeared to Akron.

I always stayed in touch with R, he was a good kid and was going through some really tough stuff and needed a friend. When he came out to his parents, when his parents divorced over it, when he met his partner, when his mother committed suicide, his move to Akron, all these things made him feel more and more alienated, but I tried to be a constant. I drove back from college to attend the funeral, we emailed a bit back and forth for support. I knew we weren't close, but it seemed to be enough to know I was there as a back up.

But anyway, R's trip back was not just about visiting long lost friends. S came over to tell me that R put the moves on him and told me the details of their conversations. R is "divorcing" his partner and asked S if he would move to Akron and be with him because it's never felt like it was with S. I just knew it. S actually opened up to me about the whole experience and even said that if R had not done what he had done he might have been willing to give it a shot and see how it would go. That he would be willing to open himself up for a relationship, but couldn't get past the pain R had caused him.

We spoke for an hour or so, me asking him if it really wasn't worth the effort to try to get past it, to try and be happy. But S holds on to emotions for a very long time and I could finally see he was not going to get past this enough to even try. But what amazed me the most about the situation was that he could have been willing to try, that S could see himself in relationship, and that the things I saw between the two of them, were actually true and real. It always seems to shock me when what I think S is going through is actually what he's going through inside and it boggles me how he deals with it in his own mind. Not allowing people in enough to listen, the only way to console him is to just be with him.

I realized through our conversations just how silly holding onto to all this baggage is. I do believe if he could get past that hurt from a young and naive 18 year old that they would have a shot at a good life together, and that's when I realized just how often I do that to myself. How often I myself have held on to something from the past, from when I was a different person and let that affect decisions I make as the person I am now, and just how silly it seems. I know S's situation is a little different and not knowing fully who R is now it's hard to say if it would last or not so I'm not one to push one way or another, but the idea that he was willing to even think about it says a lot for the side of S I don't see very often.

I do believe in my heart he'll find someone once he lets go of the past, and I know in my heart I too will find someone when I learn to let people love me. It's the distance between that point A and point B that is so frustrating lonely at times, that will hopefully make it all worth it. I'm learning to take comfort in that distance, using that time to work on loving myself and allowing God to love me, because I know until that happens I can never really put my whole self into a relationship with anyone else.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Great conversations and a great weekend!

I wrote a rather lengthy blog entry on my other blog so I'll try not to repeat some of the same details over on this one, but it may happen lol.

I know I've posted before in several different locations about how even amongst a group of people I feel so alone, and I just wanted to post for once that this past weekend was the first time I can remember I was amongst a group of people and never once felt lonely. It was fantastic. I even felt loved and accepted, and part of a community, it felt awesome. I knew I would love everyone, I already did before I met them, but I have a nervous disorder that makes me stress out in crowds, or when I'm around a lot of people so I took a handful of xanex to get me through what I thought could be a rough time. I didn't take a single one of them. There was not one moment that I felt overwhelmed or stressed out by anyone there, I just couldn't believe it! It's just very unlike me, I'm sure the few adult beverages I had helped a bit, but I didn't even drink that much, it was just so pleasant, I didn't need to.

It seemed everytime I got up and moved or ran to grab something from a different location I came across a conversation I couldn't walk away from, either I was just listening, or interacting each conversation spoke to me in different ways, it was absolutely fantastic. From the conversations regarding past inflictions governing how we love or how we allow to be loved, to the church's influence on homosexuality, to how the Harry Potter movies translate into life and religion to even small conversations between Cody and I.

I won't go into detail about any of our small conversations because while they did not cross any kind of line with me, they would more than likely cross all sorts of lines with the people that read this. I know Jake is probably shaking his head, but it was all good. Those conversations while small and insignificant to most meant the world to me. The openess and honesty of these conversations I carried on with Jake and Cody both were so refreshing and fun and made me feel so good. I have trouble putting the feeling into words but it planted them both so much further into my heart than I thought was possible for most people to reach. I have never felt so accepted and comfortable to share than I was this weekend. The two of them will probably never fully understand what this time with them this weekend has meant to me and what it's done for my mind and my heart. I love them so much for being the imperfect, hilarious and most loving people and couple they are.

The entire weekend was so freeing, not hiding who I am, not hiding my problems, being called out on my problems and actions and being forced to look at them head on was great. Not being able to use defense mechanisms because they were called out as such, having heart filled conversations with everyone, I just wouldn't trade a minute of it for any money in the world. To hear the perspectives from everyone and listening to stories from their lives, their hardships, and how they handle them, I just can't get over it. I'm rambling I know.

I just wish every weekend could be similar to that, or every day really. To feel free to be who I am, to be imperfect and be accepted, to hear people have the same problems and the same questions as you. The jokes, the laughter, the comfort and encouragement just all came raining down. I know I'm not the only one who felt it, just based on the number of people who got chocked up over the weekend at different times.

I felt all lit up while I was driving home, the traffic was attrocious but I stayed nice and calm and was enjoying the drive. It seemed the closer I got to home the darker things got. Realizing that my weekend out of the closet was over and getting back in was so frustrating, they say once the door is open it's nearly impossible to close it again, and it's so true. It's still open a little, enough for me to breath at least. Coming back to the stress that is my business is never a welcoming feeling, and then my truck broke a spring about 1/2 hour from home which was the end of the good feeling, it was like an immediate end to a great feeling when I heard that pop and the resulting clanging all the way home.

But I'm trying to push through, I'm trying to keep on the lighter side. I've allowed myself some time to be pissy, but then try......TRY to realize there isn't much I can do at this point so just keep piecing things together until it's over.

I've made some pretty major decisions about the store today. I've given myself some deadlines and altamadums. That's always the hardest part, the decisions. But they have to made and things have to keep moving on one way or another. If nothing comes along August 21 is going to be the first of the major changes to get me through. Each business owner has to make a decision, how long can you afford to keep doing this? I've made my decision and there isn't much that can change that now, I just hope someone comes along before then and lets me open up the happy option.

I'm going to try and blog more here too, and I'm going to try to work harder and being happy here. Life's too short to spend so much of it miserable even when things aren't going the way you had hoped, so I'm going to try, and try harder.

Thanks to everyone that was there this weekend because you have done my heart, mind and soul so much good.

Nearly another month has slipped by me.

Yes it's true, there are only 2 short weeks left in July! Where is the summer going? What have I been doing? It hasn't helped that it's been unusually chilly so far this summer. The air conditioner isn't running as much and I haven't really missed it.

In an effort to blog more, here I am. This weekend a few of us were talking about blogging, and our google readers and such and how busy we all get reading through our google readers reading about the lives of others we start to neglect our own blogs that have their own dependent readers and eventually as we all do that, we will stop having more to read about. While in a conversation with my friend Cody he thinks that may not be a bad thing, I for one think it could be terrible. Cody and I discussed internet usage and time spent on the computer and how he struggles with watching people do it, but understands it's a hobby and connects people. It is because of the internet I have met such wonderful friends and without it, I would not have even been down in Cinci this past weekend because I wouldn't know any of them, and that would make me very sad.

It seems silly even to me at times how much time I spend on the internet, but I realized it's not playing games, or watching porn, or finding cheaper car parts, it's time spent building and mainting a community, a community of people that for the most part I've been meeting in real life, friendships that are stronger from hundreds of miles away than some that are across town. It's because of these friendships that I love spending time online chatting or reading blogs, or writing blogs. Writing blogs allows me to empty my mind of thoughts and relax a little, sometimes all it takes it to type a problem out to see the solution staring at me in the face, sometimes not, but you get the picture.

This weekend I went to Cincinnati to spend some time with a great group of people. Some I knew before in real life, some I was meeting for the first time but have known them on the forum for quite sometime. I can't speak for the group, but I had such an amazing time. I'd say it was all fun, but really while we had such a fun time we also got into some really great discussions about life, about God and about so many other subjects. I find it so amazing that such an eclectic group of people can get together, discuss ideas and thoughts and still have such a great time.

We met Friday for dinner, I was running behind so I just met everyone at the restaurant and we enjoyed a wonderful meal together and of course, like usual we somehow became the loudest table in the place. lol. It's talent, I'm convinced. Most of us had these incredible GIANT margaritas and at times we acted like a group of high schoolers, only if high school had been that fun, I would have enjoyed it more! When you get this group together it seems as if there are no holds barred, anything and everything does and has come up and we laugh hystercially through the entire meal.

Friday night we just spent the evening unwinding and talking. Saturday morning I was awakened by Bethany bringing Angie around to show her the house. I didn't even have to put my glasses on to know that the short ball of energy in front of me was Angie lol. Waking up is never easy for me, I'm usually very groggy and unhappy and I was nervous about waking up in a house with 6 other people, but I was actually very happy that morning to come upstairs and see everyone milling about and generally having a great time already. After we were all ready all 7 of us headed out to go tour Union Station in Cincinnati, I believe a lot of people call it the City Science Center because it houses three different science museums, but we were going for the tour of the building itself.

The tour was awesome and we had a great time, then it was off to lunch at Smokey Bones and then we caught the new Harry Potter movie. The movie was very good even though I hadn't read any of the books and hadn't seen any of the movies all the way through, but I think I will now. Saturday evening we fired up the bar-b-que and had a good old fashioned bar-b-que and it was fantastic. Everyone relaxed and mingling and it seemed everywhere I went there was a different conversation going on shedding light all through my life. I stood back by the bar-b-que staring off into this crowd of people thinking how lucky I am to have them in my life, how lucky I was to be a part of such a group, and how fortunate I was to be able to be down there to be with them all.

The evening winded down and everyone was exhausted, but I was still wide awake when the last bedroom door closed so I stayed awake and played on facebook and later on went outside to smoke. Sitting on the porch enjoying the cool breeze coming through and listening to nature and a little traffic off in the distance I was completely calm and relaxed. I couldn't imagine being able to do that more often. I talked about my fears with the girls the next day about moving my every day stress to Cincinnati and how it will no longer be the getaway location, it will become my place of work and bills and every day life, and I worried Cincinnati would lose it's appeal. They reminded me that the every day stress I'm living will not be there. I shouldn't be working 100 hours a week, I should have a steady pay check, I will be around new and old friends, sparking new friendships and allowing myself the freedom I've never felt before. I think they're right and I just can't wait to get there and start my new life.

It's hard to explain to people who don't want to leave what it is that is so peaceful about a new place, why I would want to leave and how I can imagine a better life away from here. Each person makes their own choices, each heart needs something different, each mind is stimulated in different ways. The only places I've lived besides this town was in Michigan. I never really chose Michigan, it had the school I wanted to attend and it afterwards it had a job I loved. I made do with where it was at until who I was doing my job for became too much to bare. I ended up moving here thinking this is what I wanted, but it's not, it's what I needed.

I needed these past 4 years to get the closure on things I didn't have before and to clear my mind in ways I hadn't before. I was able to sort through friendships and see which ones were really friends and which ones weren't, I had to learn the things about myself that I have learned, to clarify my wants from my needs, my goals from dreams, and healthy relationships from toxic ones. I've done this and I'm ready to go, on to the next stage of my life, onto the next phase in my relationship with God, onto bigger and better things, to chase the rest of my dreams and be the person I know I am inside.

I didn't much while being away. I missed F and C, I missed S because I know they all would have had a great time with everyone down there. I did miss my family but I know now that we are closer when we don't see each other every day. I didn't miss the store or anything about it, I didn't miss the neighbors, I didn't miss anything else. I know it was just two days and I may miss other things when I'm gone for longer, but I feel differently than I did last time I left, last time I forced myself to leave, and this time, I'm ready to leave.

Ready to leave is probably the most frustrating part right now because I'm ready but it's not easy. It's not easy because I own real estate, because I own a failing business that is slowly trying to kill me. I spent an hour or so talking to God on Saturday night asking what is wrong with my timing? What was left for me to do? What loose ends need to be taken care of? Is there something major I'm supposed to be here for yet? I've mentally let go already, when will he allow me the opportunity to physically let go? I have tried and tried to give it over to him, to let him worry about it, but I just can't seem to get over the worry and stress somehow. I've put my faith in him for the move, why can't I trust him before the move? It seems everyday here there is another obsticle, another expense, another heart wrenching situation happening and I'm just so drained I can't deal with another, I'm just ready to go.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

What happened to June?

Wow, I went a whole month without an update on here? I didn't realize it had been that long, but the dates on the posts don't lie.

I have had a rough month so I didn't really feel much like talking too much about it. Things here are getting tighter than ever before, I've had to go weeks without ordering supplies, pay my bills later and later, and I'm starting to panic about when it's all going to catch up to me. What exactly can I do? It's not a rhetorical question, I'm really looking for some answers! I just wish it would sell and I could just go away and be done. My realtor is not really doing much to get the word out, half my customers don't even notice, and over half the town thinks I'm closed already. I'm not sure how to fight all this, or even if I can.

I'm on the search for a full time job, enough to cover the bills here and only have the store open part time, I don't do enough business in an 11 hour day to justify sitting here staring at the computer screen or staring at the walls. Sure there are a few things that need to be getting done, but without money they don't get done. I've considered closing the store, but the repricutions of that action are more than I can afford, so it must remain open sometime. The problem with finding a full time job around here is that they don't exist. Our unemployment rate is at 16% now and companies are still closing all around us, soon there won't be much left to look at.

So I've been dealing with those thoughts a lot this month and it's been dragging me down. The last week or so I've been trying to force myself to smile and laugh and be social and it's starting to work, but deep down inside I'm struggling, my heart is crying for relief from this and I think I'm going to end up with an ulcer. So if you know of anyone looking for an investment property please forward my information, they don't even have to run a store, they could close it for all I care and turn it into more rentals. After typing this I had a thought, if I move back home with my parents and put my stuff into storage and rent out the house, it would at least gain me another check to help defer the cost here...hmmm..... It's a thought at least.

So anyway reviewing the last entry I talked about the rat, and yes I discovered it was a rat. Living this close to the fair grounds does have some major disadvantages, but I killed it. I got some really great poison from a buddy of mine and there is poison all over the basement and crawl space and a few other places, it ate it, and died. Not before causing some major drain problems in my store though. The poison makes the rat very thirsty and he chewed his way through the only piece of plastic in my drain system to get to the water. What this did was cause all the water I used in the store kitchen, the store bath and my washer and dryer to drain all the water onto the kitchen floor and I had no idea why until I took the bathroom sink apart and found the chewed up piece of plastic. It was a quick and inexpensive fix, but aggrevating non the less.

Lets see, what else is new.... Got to see one of my god children this past weekend when they were home from Missouri, that was great. .....um.....I'm going to Cinci again in a couple of weeks for what should be a fantastic weekend!!! I'm not sure if I'll have the store open or not, probably shorten the hours while I'm gone because I find it a waste to pay someone more to watch the store than I bring in on the average day, what's the point? I'm still debating that at the current moment.

Last weekend I was also in attendance to my cousin's wedding. I realized at the reception that it is my friends that bring out my wild side, I could see myself out there dancing it up and having a great time like I usually do at my friend's weddings, but for some reason I don't do that at family weddings. It didn't help that I was cranky, hot and had unbelievable heart burn, but I know now that my family doesn't bring out the crazy side of me. Perhaps if the day had gone better, but I was up REALLY late the day before, it was 90 degrees and I was in a full suit and I was an usher. Now normally when I usher for a wedding, I usher and that's it for the night. So silly me just assumed I was done since I wasn't told any different. So after the wedding I'm at the reception with my family, I had just took a drink of my beer and was getting some finger foods when my parents start yelling at me, turns out I was supposed to stay for pictures and they were waiting on me. My exhaustion was the helping factor in me being so upset about it. I was at the church 2 hours before the wedding and talked to everyone involved, I seated everyone there, and talked to everyone again in the recieving line and not once did anyone mention pictures to me.

But I went back to the church and joined the rest of the pictures, where I'm not even sure I can be seen. I wasn't really into it and the 3 pictures they wanted me in were random group shots. I know I should feel good about being included in these shots, but really? You were waiting on me to do that? So they thanked me for coming back (mentally calming me down) and told me I was free to go. So I head back to the reception where I couldn't find parking, hiked about a mile in my suit to go back to the party where I was sitting and chatting when the bridal party showed up. I'm sitting there watching as they start the entrance music and then I hear my name announced with the other usher. Um, really? No one could have told me I was expected to walk in with the bridal party? So everyone at the table turns to me and is giving me an expression I took as "WTF?" I was upset again. At that point I wanted to just forget about the reception and just go home and go to bed, I was tired and irritable and nothing that night was helping me.

But it wasn't that big of a deal, I brought it on myself because when I'm that tired I get irrational about normal social settings. I drank beer that only provoked my heart burn to get worse and by the time the reception ended I was already headed towards the door on my way home. I waited for the family to drop off their food to be stored in my cooler and fell fast asleep on my couch watching t.v. It was a good party, everyone had a good time, no drama (except that drama in my head), but I just couldn't get into it. I felt as if my social skills were out the window because I had a hard time just having conversations with my family that was in town, the whole financial situation of the store didn't help either because that's all anyone every asks me about.

But anyway I'm glad I was there, I'm glad I was included, but next time I'm going to get sleep the night before, for the sake of everyone around me. lol.

What else has there been........um.....not much really. June went by so fast, I'm trying to stay motivated to keep updating, but not much happens around here. I wonder what would happen if I blogged everyday, what would they look like?

Blog #1:
I worked today, I wanted to punch most of my customers in the head for being stupid. Then I worked at Wendy's and felt the same way.

Day 2:
I worked today and came close to throwing that punk out the window because he's mouthy, I should find his parents and punch them in the head. Then I worked at Wendy's and discovered based on the next generation of decision makers that our future is doomed.

Day 3:
I worked today and was harrased by little old ladies because the price of chocolate went up by 5 cents a pound and then harrased again because I didn't have change for their hundred dollar bill, I should have punched them in the head. Had the night off of Wendy's and fell asleep on my couch.

Day 4:
I worked today and the central air broke, for good. It's now 100 degrees in here and I had a customer wonder why her candy bar was soft and melted. I should have punched her in her head. I worked at Wendy's tonight and had someone call me a fat ass in the drive thru.

Day 5:
I worked today and had someone come in and asked if I was still open and where the old owner was...um he died 5 years ago, and then have her argue with me and tell me he couldn't be dead because she was just in last week and talked to him. I should have just punched her in the head. I had the night off of Wendy's tonight and fell asleep on my couch.

Day 6:
I worked today and spent most of my day on the internet because I only had about 5 people come in and it was to ask if I had live bait. I wanted to punch myself in the head. Worked at Wendy's tonight and had food thrown at me from some bit$$ in the drive-thru.

Day 7:
I slept in today. Cleaned the house, avoided phone calls, didn't answer the door, just holed myself up like a hermit and watched horrible movies on t.v. all day, and didn't get the urge to hit anyone in the head. It's a good day.

There, there is 7 days of my life, if I go another month without blogging please refer to this post and read those 7 days to catch up to my normal every day life. ;) Or I'll punch you in the head.

I think I might....MIGHT have an obsession with punching people in the head, I'm not sure, it's just a theory.

I'm not meant to be self employeed, what can I say?