Saturday, April 25, 2009

What I want for my birthday

It's a simple wish, no prince charming, no one sweeping me off my feet, just a hunk of a man walking into my store, grabbing my face and a kiss. A kiss that makes me feel alive, a kiss that awakens the feeling inside me that I've been missing, a kiss that makes me numb.

I'm going to be 32 and I've never had a kiss like that, and it makes me sad.
Something like this:

Monday, April 20, 2009

Finally, I'm back.

So what is it that brought me out of my funk, what is it that finally got that chip off of my shoulder. Well you see, it was a combination of several things really, there was time to myself, naps, and of course........4-wheel adventures!!! When I went last fall I got muddy but that was because I found every puddle possible even though there weren't that many to be found. This time was pretty different, around every sandy turn we were faced with this:
Trying to find our way around was always fun, and sometimes when there was no way around we were forced to drive right through, feet up on the hood of the 4-wheeler to save our shoes and just hit the throttle barreling through the mud and the water splashing up against the seat and you could nothing but go faster and get make your way through it all until you were safely on the other side.....hmmm....I know most of you will pick up on the similarities between that and life, so I should probably save myself the trouble and continue on. :)

Sometimes we made it through with no problems except a smoking engine or dirty shoes, or mud on our glasses, and then sometimes for some of us...aka my brother, things don't work out the way you anticipate:



Eric and I took the puddle to the left and my brother driving the only 2 wheel drive vehicle we had decided to take another route, a route he thought would be more fun and he burried the poor thing. He just kept spinning and spinning and spinning and he just couldn't get the tires to grab hold of anything so Eric had to tow him out, it.was.hilarious. We had so much fun that day, it was my brother's first trip out to the state forest and I haven't seen him so happy in so long. Just like I was in November he felt a million miles away from his troubles, away from the failing marriage, away from the uncertain future, away from the daily grind of boring, we were living in the now, taking it turn by turn, puddle by puddle and loving every minute of it.

There were several times I would catch him slowing down and turning around to make sure I was there with him, making sure I was alright and sometimes just to laugh and give me the thumbs up. I couldn't help but to remember the days when we were kids, no matter what I had said to him or how we treated each other he was always just around the corner watching me, making sure no one picked on me, no one made me mad. I didn't know he was always there, it's something I figured out as we grew older, hearing him talk about things he wouldn't have known about unless he had been there watching, repeating things he couldn't have heard unless he was listening. He's always been there, and continues to be.

One of the things I'm so grateful for in the past three and half years of stress and life that has been this store is the time I've been able to spend with my brother. It hasn't all been fluffy bunnies and roses, but the time we've spent together has brought us together. During the process of ending his current marriage, he's actually talking to me, and not just joking around, but about the things he's scared of, the things he's worried about, and we talk, we talk for real. It's so nice for a change. He's always been the more closed off one emotionally between the three of us, but it's changing now, he's finally opening up. It's been really great.

Yes there are days I'd like to smack him upside the head with a 2x4, but he's my brother and that's how brothers are. I'm very thankful for him.

What have I been doing besides outdoor adventures? Well we have been finishing our projects inside and outside of the store. My brother finished the new roof and of all the projects we've done outside that one is getting the most comments lol. We've removed our giant sign that has been dead for many, many years because it was causing some of the leaks in the roof that we were replacing. Besides the roof we also moved the deli case from the front of the store to the new deli area in the back portion of the store, a plan we've been working on for over 6 months, it was quite an undertaking moving a refrigerated case that is 12 feet long and weighs 2 1/2 tons, but we did it and no one got hurt while doing it. lol. Once it was there we had to run the new refrigeration lines the new electric, then we had to wire up the compressor, fix some tile work and then move all deli equipment and product to the new location. Then we started tearing up the old Deli which was removing cabinets, tearing down a counter we built last year, and removing walls and ceilings. We have since moved the big compressor, built a new room, rewired and replumbed it all as well as insulated, drywalled and wired the new area. We are getting closer and hopefully by next week I'll be finishing it all.

It's been a busy time and the chip on my shoulder hasn't really helped. I must admit there is a small chip still remaining but it's just about my age so I was expecting it to show up. But have no frear, just as every other year the day will come and go like every other day and the next day I'll wake up and continue on like I usually do. :)

O.K. I've been working on this too long tonight, time to give it up and go to bed.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I just don't get it.

A very good friend of mine pointed out to me this past week during my current shitty attitude that no matter what it is I want, I always find a way to get it. Even in a tanking business in a tanking economy I have found a way to get my ideas of remodeling done. I wanted to buy a business, I made it happen, I wanted out of Michigan, I made it happen. This and so many more things I find ways to make them happen, I'm not sure if it's stubbornness, or maybe determination, or what exactly it is about me that makes this happen, and yet I start to think about other things I want:

I want to be healthy. Why is it I can't do this for myself? Why is it this drive or determination or whatever it is won't work on myself? Why can't I budget better? Why can't I eat better? Why can't I work out more? Why do I give up so easily on my physical and emotional self, but I push myself harder and harder on my material selections?

What is it that is holding me back? I love healthy food, I love walking and working out, why do I give up so easily when it comes to me?

I set out this year with one goal, and one goal only, to pay more attention to the foods I put in my body, and I have already failed miserably. I have turned into the stereotypical fat guy and I hate it, I look at myself in the mirror and ridicule myself and scream at myself for letting me turn into this person I don't know, this person I don't recognize and I wonder why I can't see myself being loved when I can't even love myself!

Why don't I feel that I deserve to be healthy, why don't I believe that I deserve to look good on the outside? What is it that is holding me back from putting all this energy into something that matters? Why do I spend three weeks researching and debating the types of lighting I want to put above my deli that I'm selling, but I won't take three minutes to find something healthy to eat over the hamburger that is available to me?

What a conundrum. I need to find more balance in my life, to let go of things that don't matter and grab hold of things that do.

Sorry for the lack of blogs

I just wanted to take a moment to let you all know that I'm still alive.


I have this GIANT chip on my shoulder that has been growing in recent days and I'm not sure why it's there or how it got there but my attitude as of late SUCKS!

I really don't want to scatter those pieces around so I've been working on it and trying to figure out how to get it off my dang shoulder.

I think I need some alone time, with Easter my usual Sunday alone time was not available so I've been around people constantly for a couple of weeks, either that or I need to go out and have a really great night, or a vacation, or something, I need to figure it out soon because I'm starting to annoy myself.

I'll be back I promise and I'll fill ya in on what's been going on as of late.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Divorce

So my brother's marriage has been in trouble for many years, roughly about three years that we can figure, he may know better, but we've been seeing signs for about three years now. I say signs because we've been watching her change. In the nearly nine years they have been married she has done a complete 180 degree turn from who she was to who she is and it's bothered us all. She doesn't attend many family functions and goes no where with my brother, she's completely not involved with anything in his life really, he tries to keep being a part of hers, but she doesn't seem to want him to be a part of it. They have been living completely separate lives for a couple years now, they are essentially roommates with a shared checking account.

They have been renting a house for several years now while they rebuild their credit after their bankruptcy many years ago and recently the owner of the house has decided to sell it. They knew they didn't want to buy the house because it still required several thousand dollars worth of work to it and it's priced too high for the neighborhood. They had a small talk and decided they would start to look for something else to rent since the banks are even more strict on loaning money, unless they found a way to buy. At least that was the story.

So my brother has been looking for a house, in the county because they always wanted to live outside of town. Every house he saw he put her needs in front of his own, always considering her wants and needs and just trying to find a space he could make his own. Well in the last couple of days we found a house out in the country priced way below value that needs some work and the seller is more than willing to sell it on land contract for a VERY reasonable rate. It's something they could totally do in their price range and their budget and the scope of work that needed to be done is well within my brother's realm.

So he tells her about it and says he'd like to set up a time when they can both go out and check out the inside, she says o.k. He sets it up and calls her to tell her the time and make sure she's feeling up to going after a 13 hour work day and she proceeds to tell him that she never wanted to go look at it and had no interest in putting her name on a mortgage with him. He says um, o.k. and hangs up. Then he just looks at me with this glazed over look in his eyes and I ask him if she was meeting us here and he tells me that she was pretty much done. He refused to go home until she was in bed last night and is going to ask right flat out tomorrow if she plans to stick it out or if she plans on leaving after their rental sells.

He's hurt and relieved all at the same time. They have not acted like a married couple in many years, in ANY sense of the phrase. He's known it's been on the rocks and nothing he has done has been able to change that. He told me he's just been getting along to get along. He's realizing that she's only with him because it's a place to live that allows her to keep her 5 dogs and without his income and our uncle who owns the house she'd be forced to get rid of the dogs.

It's heart breaking but at the same time I told my brother that if this is where it is at and he's got a sense of relief then it's time it ended and he shouldn't pass on this house. This house would be the best thing for him, it's what he's always wanted, why throw that away for a marriage that has been over for a couple of years. If both parties aren't willing to work on the relationship, then what's the point? I told him if he wanted to stay with her longer and work harder at it I would support him, but I also pointed out all the things he's done to win her back over while she has changed nothing.

I'm no longer praying for this marriage to work because I've seen the toll it's taken on my brother over these last few years, he's miserable and chooses to deal with that through unhealthy means and I'd like to see that stop. He's financially stable enough to afford a life on his own and be able to do the things he wants to do, so there should be nothing stopping him. If it's over, decide it's over and finally be happy. I told him it won't be easy, he's never lived on his own, he's never had to do his own laundry, he's never had to clean the house and he hasn't had to cook much, or pay the bills, that this would all be his responsibility now, but it's worth it. I told him he would have help both emotionally and physically to learn all these things, to learn how to budget and all the things I know he can do.

It was one of the most serious conversations we've ever had and I meant every word of it. He drives me up the wall and some days I want to punch him, but he's my brother and damn it I love him. I want him to finally be happy, I want him to learn how to stand on his own two feet and feel that feeling of pride he so desperately needs and be able to feel how successful he really is. I just want the best for him and I pray that no matter what that all this leads to a happier life for him, I will do everything in my power to help him through this and to help him build this new life, he's earned it.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

My crazy dream

This is more for me so I can just write this dream out and think about it later, it was wild and I woke up exhausted!

So I was living in a basement apartment above an estate. At first I really didn't know who lived in the estate, but I soon met him. He was gorgeous, way out of my league but he took a liking to me, always talking to me and inviting me over and asking me out. We went out several times and got to know one another and I found myself sitting in his living room. The living room was huge, two or three stories tall with a giant window facing the front with lead like shutters. We sat there several nights enjoying the moonlight coming through the window, but each time late at night it felt as if someone came through the window and joined us although I couldn't see them. One night we were making out on the couch and it was like I floated out of my body and was watching myself but suddenly noticed a ghostly witch heading towards the window and the floating me got really scared and went over and started to close the lead shutters trying to keep the witch out.

I could hear my gentleman caller telling me to stop trying to shut the figure out, I just kept pushing on these shutters while the figure kept trying to push them open, I struggled and struggled until someone pulled me away from them and back to my body, it was then I noticed a second witch, who turns out was the out of body ghostly witch that came out of the guy I was just kissing. I was a little freaked out as the man I was just making out with disappeared and the witch took her form and tried to explain to me what was happening.

She explained her mother was the witch coming into the room from the window and that she had been with us every night we were there. She explained that they have been around since the beginning of time and every 2000 years there is a battle in which they have to win in order to stay alive, but they need the help of one other magical person and that each time the person is different but the spirit is the same. The said it took an extra 9 years to find me and the battle has been raging and waiting for them to find me. It took longer to find me this time because I was inside of this gay man.

She went on to explain how I had to learn how to leave my body and help them, but there was no way to teach that, I just had to figure it out for myself and it was my destiny to help them. It took several nights with them to figure out how to willingly leave my body and let my spirit fly and operate independently from my body, but I figured it out. It was a very strange sensation while I was dreaming, that's for sure! lol.

So anyway one night they were meeting in the living room and I was in my apartment seperated from my body just playing around and enjoying the feeling. I went upstairs to find them sealing the living room off and chanting about the battle is soon to begin and something about the apocalypse, I started to get nervous. They noticed me and began chanting more and told me the battle could wait no longer and a light appeared from the center of the room and started to grow brighter and bigger. We began to circle the light and somehow I knew what to chant with them, as the light was struggling to keep growing and get brighter I suddenly started to think about my faith and God and it was then I realized the light was God and this was the final battle between good and evil. I suddenly stopped flying and began to stare at the light and wondered how could I battle God when it was him I had been following, and wondering how it was I got tied up into this mess. The other two witches began to torment me about how I needed to fight the light and defeat it if I wanted to continue to live, if I wanted to be around for another 2000 years.

There was a great distirbance within me and my dark shrouds of clothing began to fall away and a light began to grow within me and I turned on the witches and began battling with them.

Then I woke up and had to pee. I guess the appocolypse got put on hold so I could use the bathroom, I never did get to finish the dream. What a powerful figure I am. lol.

That's all, there is lots there I need to analyze or think about, or to just forget about, not sure yet. Yeah, I'm crazy. lol :)