Monday, March 23, 2009

My house of glass

The past several months I've been listening and reading about everyone struggling and coming to terms with things God has been nudging them about. Personal issues they feel it is time to tackle, to open up and expose to God and begin a healing process. I have been trying to find my own, jealous of these nudges everyone else seems to be getting, direction and insight into how to start to right their lives and their hearts. It has been recently that I have realized that this is the process to begin the healing, that I need to watch other people go through it to begin to unravel my own. The more I started to think about these things the more I became overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because I'm realizing there is so much to do, so much to tackle and so much to dig up. I just don't know where to start, and then it came to me.

My favorite phrase in the last year or so is "Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones" it's a very true to the word phrase and I've used it in it's proper context and at appropriate moments, but it wasn't until the last week or so that I started to pay attention to my own actions and realize now that I live in the biggest and most grand house of glass that I have ever seen. Once I realized how much glass makes up this house I started to look around and see just how many stones I have thrown and just how much shattered glass there is to clean up. I can see now just how many windows of my own I've broken while throwing these stones. I'm left in this house of shattered glass, shards everywhere ready to rip me open and expose everything to God. I've been standing here for far to long waiting for someone to pull me out of this mess, to save me from the pain and agony that I am about to partake in.

Each step I take will be more painful than the last, each shard representing something else in my life I need to reevaluate and question how I'm serving God with these parts of my life. I've been searching for the bigger picture, thinking I was on the top of the hill looking down on the rest of the christians in the world, thinking I had nothing to tackle, that I had been following God my whole life and I had nothing to work on to get closer to him, but in thinking about this more and more I'm realizing it's not that sturdy castle of Christ on the top of the hill that I've been living in, it's the once beautiful house of glass that I was living in, never looking up to realize I was not there yet. But now, now that I have blown the roof off this broken shattered house I created in my own slinging of stones, now I can finally see I have not yet completed this journey, that there are millions of people watching me in my house of glass, waiting for me to join them on this journey, waiting for me to walk through these shards of habits, memories and thoughts to get through it and join them on the journey, the rest of the way up the hill.

My one thought that keeps me going in all of this is that my house, my house of shattered ideas of who I was, was built on nothing less than Jesus' love and rightousness. I may have been diverted for many years, but I'm going to get there, with his help.

I'm worried because of all the painful scars of the past. All the groups that I've been a part of that tried to tell me who I am, the music I listen to, the comedy and movies I enjoy all must go, that everything I am, and everything I enjoy is evil, it is these people who helped me dig the moat around my house, protecting me from them. I'm scared that I will lose myself in this process, there are certainly things in my life that need cleaned out and there are really things I do need to rid myself of, but I'm afraid of the judging, the judging that has held me back all these years, the judging I have let hold me back for all these years. How do I get past these scars?

I always find myself holding out on communities that are reaching out to me. I'm always holding something back, I used to say it was just because I was gay and that was the reason, that no one could be in a community with me because I was gay, but I realized today that I have been using that as just one of the reasons I tend to shy away from communities. There are so many other reasons, how do I get over them to be embraced by a community? I was there today serving, watching what a small simple gift can do to the spirit of another soul, and I shared that with these people who try so hard to open their community to me, to let me in and be a part of it, if even for a short time each trip I make, and I found myself pushing away. Why is that?

I still have a way to go to figure this out. I am shy, no matter how hard that can be to believe, I am very shy. There were many passages in Blue Like Jazz that told me how to deal with the answers as to why I am shy. The hurtful things I usually say about myself in answers as to why I'm shy. How I don't think I have anything valuable to say, how I don't feel I'm good enough to join these people, how no one would want to be in a community with someone like me. Someone who is so fat, someone who is so awkward looking, someone who doesn't like to tuck in their shirt, someone who smokes, someone who doesn't find raunchy humor offensive, someone who looks at porn, someone who sometimes judges people based on looks, someone who checks out guys at church, someone who resents young families for reasons unknown, someone who will be 32 and still single, someone who has never had a kid and doesn't even posses the urge to want any, someone who is afraid to talk to new people, someone who hardly ever has answers to nearly any question given because he's afraid of being proven wrong, someone who puts himself on a pedestal when in all actuality it's just a defense mechanism. I'm afraid of people seeing me for who I really am.

Another thing to come out of the sermon today was the idea to back off the pressure. That the journey to being closer to God is very personal and not everyone goes about the same path. Each person finds comfort in different ways and that there is nothing wrong with it. I know in my heart the church that has awoken these things inside of me will probably not be my final destination, that even after all this has been sorted out I may still not find the community that I'm comfortable in there, but it sure seems to be a good starting point. And who knows, I'm wrong a lot, I could be wrong about that as well.

I just need to open my heart and my mind a little more and breath deep and keep going on my own journey.

Sunday, March 22, 2009



Today at church with B the awesome band they have played an very upbeat version of this song, a traditional hymn that should be uplifting and inspiring, but it's been almost 8 years since I've been able to sing it, hear it, or recite the words without tears. I did a pretty good job fighting it off today and not making a scene, deep breaths and diverting attention to other things.

I'm sad because I love that hymn, I love the words, I love the melody, and I love that it was my grandma M's favorite hymn of all time. Which is why it was only right to sing it when we burried my grandpa M, or why it happened to also be sung at every funeral I've ever had to attend for the people I have loved. Each time I hear that song now I am taken back, back to the day of her funeral, back to that pew shoulder to shoulder with my sister and brother, back to watching them wheel her casket into place, back to having to get up and carry my grandmother's casket out of the church and out to the hurst. That song now haunts me, every time I hear it I relive that day of my life, I relive the pain and the sorrow, not because that's what grandma wanted, she wanted the opposite, but because it is forever engrained into my mind for that day and it never gets easier.

I miss her so much, I wish I could talk to her, I wish I could hug her, I just wish I could sit in her living room and just talk with her one last time. I know she would want us to remember the good times, but the funeral and settling the estate afterwards was one of the hardest and heart wrenching things our family has ever had to do and it change us forever. My sister has not been to the cemetary yet and can not even bring herself to drive past her house, even after 8 years, and none of us can get through this song because we all have the same feelings.

The one thing that helped me today was this song started in the midst of my thoughts of the future, contemplating my future and sorting out my religious issues brought to light by the sermon today and it was like she was there with me today, comforting me and letting me know that it's o.k to be scared and nervous about the future of all of these issues, about the potential outcome of each of these issues I'm currently going through. So while I was heart broken all over again, by the end I felt a sense of hope and excitement for the things to come, for the life I'm trying to take back and things I'm trying to right in my mind and my heart.

I miss you grandma.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Toxins

Hows does a person rid themselves of toxic people? People who are not good for you, people who hold you back or keep you down, or just not treat you very good. How do I walk away? Why do I care? How do I get myself not to care anymore? I guess I just hate being made the asshole when there is no reason to be. There really is no redeeming value to this friendship, or lack there of, they don't hold me up and somehow managed to make me feel worse for standing up for myself and turned this all back into somehow my fault.

If they completely miss the point, are these people I need to even bother with? People I should be spending my time with? What does that say to my real friends? The people that really do care, the people that do hold me up, the people that support me and the people that love me. What does my spending time on this unhealthy friendship say to them? That somehow these people are more worth my time than they are?

Everyone else has been able to write it off and move on, why can't I? Is it really lust that ties me to this? Could lust be an even stronger factor than I could have ever imagined? Or could it be that people I held so dear, people I thought really cared, really didn't? I'm so confused and feel even more angry for putting this much thought into it.

Please God, help me sell this store quickly and be able to remove myself from all the unhealthiness that this place surrounds me with, but until then, please help me let go of this, help me see that these people are not good for me and that I'm better off without them. While I'm here praying, I do pray for their family, for all the reasons you know are in my heart, and help me heal from this.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

That's real mature

It's real mature of you to one minute call me family and then three weeks later avoid me like the plague. You are thirty feet from me in your office removing your office furniture and send your wife to come borrow a screw driver. Seriously? What did I do that was so awful that you can't even speak to me? What did I do that was so awful that you don't even want to be near me? Everyone keeps telling me you just need time to come to terms with what YOU did before you can find comfort in your friends again. Seems to me you've been talking to everyone else except me.

Was it because your wife cornered me into telling her that I was there the night you met up with this girl? Did you bother to notice I did not even begin to mention the other things that happened and the other things I saw that night? I didn't tell the rest because it would have only made a bad situation worse. She knew you'd been contacting her for months, so what I told her was not anything new. What did she say about me when I wasn't there? I can only imagine.

Well if this is how you want to play, I can play too. Tonight when you're done moving your office furniture, I'm putting the new lock on your door into my store. I only allow my friends over to tab things when I'm not here, people I trust and people that are man enough to talk to me. You no longer get that privilege, I'm not going to sit around and be taken advantage of when you aren't man enough to even talk to me. Fuck you, find another sucker.

You aren't the man I once thought you were. You aren't even half that man. Your gleaming eyes, your fast talking ways, and your looks sucked me into your vortex of happy go lucky we're all family routine. I'm wiser now, I can see through that crap now and while you may have your wife fooled now of who you are, I know better. You were never a friend at all.

While this whole situation has me raging with anger, on the inside I'm crying. I'm deeply hurt and devastated that I allowed you into my life without realizing who you really were. To prove to myself that I really don't know people and the trust I've lost because of this is disabling. I don't know what this is going to do to future friendships, but like I said in the last post....I'm better off without you, but it sure doesn't make the hurt go away.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

It's been too long

It has been too long since I've updated this blog, partially because I've been too deep in thought, and partly because I've been so exhausted lately, and partly because I haven't had much to say lol.

I've been giving a lot of thought to B's blog "Who we hold close" I've had to examine a few of my relationships due to some circumstances that were beyond my control but have opened my eyes. There are two people I have decided I need to cut my ties with, not completely, but I need to not hold them as close.

I have spoken of I before, my infatuation with him and my concern for his well being, but I knew all along I held him close for all the wrong reasons. I did care for him as a person, but I had to ask myself, if he wasn't as cute, would I care as much? He did have a great personality that instantly drew me to him, and I guess I'll never really be able to answer that question, but I know that our ages and our upbringings puts us at different points of our lives. I hope I had some kind of impact on his life, but I know he's better off out doing the things that he's doing and gaining the life experience he needs to go on with his own life. It's better I'm not there, I'd probably hold myself back from things just to spend time with him and it's not who I am. I would never turn him away if he was in need of help, but I must not keep trying to communicate, if he wants to communicate he knows how to find me.

The other person is G, my neighbor. This has to be the hardest thing I've had to come to terms with lately. Things are estranged and I feel like he blames me for something, but I don't know what. He's drowning in his own decisions and doesn't seem to want me to be a part of anything, so I've decided to stop trying, and just let it go. The more I thought about it the more angry it made me and the more I realized I'm better off with him out of my life. I don't think it will be forever, but after this I just couldn't go back to the same type of relationship we had last year.

I realized that over the last month my life has become closer to the life I enjoy. My store and office are not constantly filled with people, beer cans and smoke. My inventory does not come up missing and I'm not constantly in stress mode. My brother seems to be more motivated during the day and neither of us is drinking as much as we were last year. Life seems to have improved since everything happened, so I decided why on earth would I chase after that life again? I've made my attempts at showing I cared about him and his family, but he refuses to acknowledge it at all, so why do I keep trying? We were even at the same party and he hardly spoke to me at all even though I treated him like I always did so he would feel comfortable and less self conscious. It was at that moment I decided it's not my problem anymore.

He's made communication efforts to all of his friends and our mutual friends, all except me. Perhaps he's pissed at me for something, but if I don't even know what I did, then how can I fix it if it needs fixing. So I've decided to not hold him as close as I once did.

It's been a long couple of weeks, and I'm desperately looking forward to my vacation from job #2 that starts on the 18th, and my trip to Cinci. I haven't traveled in nearly three months and I'm just going stir crazy around here, I can't wait to hit the road! It will be a GREAT weekend in Cinci!!!

So I'll try to keep this updated a little more, but I can't make promises. :)

Have a good one.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Just a prayer

I've edited this post because after sleeping for a night I realized it's not at all how I wanted to sound. I'm just going to keep this short.

I'm just asking for prayer for my father who just got laid off after 30 years, it will be for only three months which we are grateful for, but it will be a hard time for my parents.

Also for a customer of mine John who just found out he has cancer is entering in to a very scary time in his life, and he's a wonderful caring human being.

That is all.

thank you.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Finally a step towards my future.


Yes it's true, I have finally officially listed the store for sale. It was a great relief when they posted the sign in front of the store and I didn't so much as have it listed that I started to hear rumors. You really have to watch what you say and who you say it too around here. A local man that is somewhat my competitor and I have talked many times and I got the impression he might be interested if I sold and I mentioned that to about 2 people that I would contact him once it was for sale and talk about it. Well by Sunday at church I heard a rumor that he had purchased the store. I was a bit floored. So today I got to spend some quality time on the phone with him trying to figure this out. He told me the only thing he's be interested in was the liquor license and asked if I'd be interested in selling that. I told him I would be happy to sell him the liquor license, but he had to take the rest of the package with it. He did ask who the listing was with and what I was asking for the place, so who knows, maybe he's interested and just not letting on. I guess only time will tell. I hope someone is interested, I need to get out of here soon or the bank may throw me out, unless sales start turning around like today, then I could hold on for the buyer.

So anyway, where does that leave me? What plans do I have for the future? I'm moving. Bethany has graciously offered me a room in her house and I've been looking forward to moving for a few months now. We have everything pretty well ironed out and I have a pretty good schedule of how it will work as to how long etc... Once I know when this place is going I can start looking for work, Cinci is still a place where people are working, it helps they don't rely on the car industry for life like everyone does around here. I really want to get back into home design, it's where my heart is, it's where my passion is and I would really love to get paid to do that again. It's taken me a few years to heal from the first job, but I know now that it's what I'm supposed to do. I can feel God's hands guiding me through this, it all makes sense, I just don't know the time table.

So for me the future is a bit unclear, but it's beautiful, and I look forward to diving in. :)

During this process I've been noticing some things about people when I tell them I'm moving. They seem to try to make me feel guilty. Am I really the only one around here that is not threatened by distance? It seems like everyone is under the impression that if you can't get to me in less than 1/2 hour that our friendship will be over. I mean really? I have friends scattered all over this country and I don't feel like we're less friends, I don't feel like I can't call them, or that I wouldn't be welcomed at their homes if I showed up. Am I the last one that is willing to travel more than an hour to spend some time with a friend?

I even heard the word selfish today. Really? I'm curious as to what is more selfish, me wanting to do what I want and can to find happiness in this world, or demanding I stay and be miserable just so I can be close and share the misery of others? I'm really confused. I feel bad that this is how these people are taking this, but honestly, we all make choices in our lives, choices to chase after dreams, to live a life you're happy with. Could I be happy in Northwest Ohio? Well let see, I've tried it twice now and it's just not doing it for me. I think 24 years is plenty to get a feel for the area and figure out if it's for me, it's not, I'm sorry. There are parts of this place I love, I love being close to my family, I love my friends and......um.......yeah, I think that's it.

So am I a horrible person because I still want to leave these people behind? I guess this is where I differ from these people, I don't feel like I'm leaving them behind. I would like to think that they will still be there for me, that I can still call them and be a part of their lives. I know I can't be there in an everyday way, but lets face it, I don't see any of them every day now. I haven't spent lots of time with any of them since I've back, so what's the difference? It took me a few years after I moved to Michigan to really find out who my friends were. My friends really shined and the others just fell off the place of the planet, and you know what? It still shows. Those are the people I really don't spend time with now, the friendship never healed from that. So I'm sure that once again that I'll really find out who my friends really are.

I know that life is going to go on without me here, it has been going on since the first time I left. It took me awhile to realize it, and even longer to accept it, but I still feel like life is passing me by even while I'm here because I feel like my life is not moving at all. I feel like I'm standing still watching the world go by, and I'm supposed to endure this stress and this life so that others can still be miserable? I'm confused.

It's so not going to change my mind, and I'm really not going to be guilted into putting off my dreams and life for others. In a way it sounds selfish, but you know what? Sometimes you have to be selfish and do things for yourself. Time will tell if these people will even care.

O.K. I feel better.
:)

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Myspace blog

Yes It's true.
After battling with the decision for quite some time now, it is official. The store is now for sale.

For anyone interested please contact Dirk Meyer at Whalen Realty and Auction at 419-599-4931.

Included is the business, the real estate and all contacts and recipes. Everything goes except for my personal items. Ever dream of owning your own business? Now is your chance. Updated electric, updated plumbing and 3 occupied rental spaces with the potential for 2 more. What better way to open a business than with an income already built in?

I've grown tired of this as my heart is no long in it. I am going to return to my profession of architecture, and hope to sell the store to someone that will take care of it and take it to the next level. Any questions feel free to email me or contact Dirk.