Freedom comes from Confinement

O.K. for the things I could not post on the other blog because I'm not telling people until it's official. I met with the realtor on Friday and started working out the details. I took him around and showed him everything and he came to the conclusion that I had come to before I called him....the repairs have to happen first. People can't always envision the repairs I'm going to be making before they're done, so we're going to wait until the major repairs are complete and then it will be on the market. In the mean time while I deal with the bank and try to get the roof project squeezed in yet this year the realtor is going to be doing his end of the paper work, such as the comps for price and write ups and such so when I'm ready it will launch quickly. We discussed the asking price that I was thinking. I told him what I needed to walk away with a good concious and be able to pay everyone off and start over with a smile on my face and then whatever he was

1 hour and ten minutes I'll be on the road finally. I'm heading to Cincinatti for the holiday weekend. I decided to close the store on Monday since everyone has thought I was closed anyway, so I figure I finally get two days off and I don't have to pay anyone to watch the store. How great is that? I've decided this week that it's time to fix my roof. I'm going to have to get with the bank on this one and see if they'll fund the project because it's way more than I have laying around....not that there's any laying around anyway. I've been trying to let all these financial problems just take the background. I was saved by two wonderful people after fair week and it's helped ease the pain quite a bit, and I'm every so grateful. I have these two thank you cards I have for them but when I try to come up with the words to put in those cards, I'm drawing a blank, I just can't put to words the amount of gratitude I have for them. I

Tonight you told me you were leaving. I have a mere 4 days left to enjoy your presence before you leave and take the world by storm. I can't tell you how you've made me feel these past 9 months, how happy you've made me, how I've looked forward to seeing you, and how I wish I could tell you the things that have been on my mind. To listen to you, to get to know you, to just be near you. I can't tell you because you'd never think of me the same again. I can tell you that I'm going to miss you, but that's all I can say. I want to tell you what a great, sweet and caring person you are, but for one guy to say that to another guy is just forbidden. I want to tell you that I love you and you deserve so much more than you think you do, but I can't. I want to tell you how I melt when you smile, how I forget about my problems when you talk to me, how I feel a 1000 miles away when you brush your hair away from your face before you got your hair cut. I can&#

In every dark storm in life, in every dark period, in every dark corner in my life, there lies an angel. In this latest case there happens to be two angels. They were angels before, but what they have done for me, and the freedom they have given me, no matter how short term, has been blissful. They brought me to tears and I still am trying to come up with the words to thank them for what they've done for me, and there just doesn't seem to be words. They've allowed me to sleep, I know I may not last, but they came in the nick of time and have helped me. It was not easy accepting help, but I knew if I didn't, they would feel upset that they couldn't help me. I'm so grateful for the friends and family the Lord has blessed me with. I know there is not a day that could go by that I am not thankful for these angels in my life.

So last night I finally didn't have to work in the evening and took the evening for myself. I treated myself to some pizza and watching a movie and going to be at a decent hour, it was fantastic!! Although I didn't fall asleep as quickly as usual because I was in bed 3 hours before my usual time, but I finally did fall asleep. But as I was laying around last night I began envisioning the future, the way I see it right now. I tried picturing myself in the new town in the new house and wondering how I'd be feeling, what it would be like again to only work one job, to have an entire day off again, to be able to do things and be able to take weekend trips. Oh it felt so wonderful. And then I began to get terrified. Would I fall into the same traps as before? Would I pretend to live this straight life? Would I be able to tell people when I met them that I was gay? I hope I will be, it's so easy to fall back into the trap and spend more time miserable. I pictured spending a

Yes, it's true, I'm bored. I've done the dishes, I've cleaned the deli. I should be cleaning the office, but that's just too depressing. It's just shifting bills from one pile to another, knowing I can't pay them. I've gone back to sticking my head in the sand so to speak about bills, not answering calls, not opening mail, that sort of things. It's reminisent of the days of bankruptsy. It's not quite that bad, but it still feels like it. Fair week has come and gone. Thank goodness it has gone. Fair week brings all sorts of things usually. Most of the time it's good sales, good customers, and long hours. This year was long boring hours, horrible teenage customers, vandalism, shoplifting, attitudes, and dropped sales. Oh what a week of stress that was. I busted two shoplifters, one of them I have the video of her stealing...it was a 13 year old stealing a bottle of booze. While she did get scared and put it back I posted her picture for al

I have been trying and trying and praying and praying for the strength to give this stress to God. I know he's big enough to take it, I know he doesn't need me to worry about it, but how do I just hand it over? How do I just let it out of my head when I'm surrounded by it daily, I'm drowning in it. How do I take this and just turn it over? I have true faith that God can see me through this, I know he only gives me what I can handle, but I'm at my breaking point, I'm so tired of stressing about it, I'm so tired of the same thing day in and day out. I feel like if I could just cry I'd feel better. The booze doesn't help, and neither does distracting activities, it's always there, it's eating me from the inside out, how, oh how do I just let it go? I tried to cry tonight to at least get some sort of release from my system, but I can't, I'm so mad that it won't let the depression run through my system and let it out, and I'm not s

No, seriously. I've been having a fantasy about a sordid love affair between me and a really cute fair worker that's been in the last couple of days. Sad, I think I need a new hobby. ;)

O.K. so enough with all this seriousness in life, lets talk actors!!! I was reminded of my crushes lately with a few of the movies I've caught on t.v. or dvd, so I thought I'd discuss them here. First there is Luke Wilson To be honest, I hadn't really seen him in much until I saw him in Legally Blonde, and I just fell in love, or was it lust? hmmm....... anyway, how could you not love that smile! His facial expressions could melt me, I swear to you. The way he always wears his hair, it just makes his face stand out that much more, and to see him shirtless? I searched and didn't find one. Oh well, some things are better left a mystery. Now we move onto Matthew Mcconaughey . There are many who don't like him but there is something that is so innocent about him. He can be so rugged and beautiful all at the same time. I found tons of very hot photos with him shirtless, but if I'm going to blog about it, I think I should be a little classier than that! This blac

Yes, change is in the air, I'm taking the appropriate steps to make changes in my life. I have no idea how fast they will happen, or exactly what the changes will be, but it's coming, change is coming. In the last few weeks here at the store, it's been an emotional roller coaster, which honestly is just about every week. We got the central air hooked up to find out it didn't work, one of the main tubes in the compressor was cracked, so it had to be junked, and yes I had to buy another one. Talk about not happy, but really, what could I do, I had already invested in the new furnace and the new A-coil and all the duct work, I had to finish it, otherwise it would have been an even bigger waste of money. So we finally got it all hooked up. It's helping a bit, it will take awhile before I can really feel the effects, but I really can't wait to be able to heat the store this winter. So the day we finally finished that I noticed my beer cooler was running warm. Turn