Friday, February 29, 2008

Random thinking.....

So this weekend I was reading a book called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It's a pretty feakin awesome book. It's basically to me a normal average everyday jo bringing religion into an everyday language. It's really interesting and I came across a portion that really jumped out at me and said alot to me.

I'm paraphrasing but it basically said that single people have a hard time relating to the concept of unconditional love with God because we don't/haven't experienced it in life. He says it alot better than I do, but the book is in the other room and lets face it, I'm pretty lazy. ; )

I woke up from my reading slumber and was like "WOW" that just said so much to me, and helped me feel a little easier about some of the feelings I've been having lately and some of the struggles I've been dealing with. I have only ever really felt that relationship with my parents and siblings. And while there is definatley unconditional love, I've always thought it would be different in a relationship. It's a hard concept for me to understand. In my past it felt as if every fight with the sig. other would be the end, like I couldn't get past it all or they wouldn't get past it at all and we could never move forward. I look at marriages and wonder how do they do it?

How can you get into a screaming match with someone and then just move past it? How do you move past pain? How do you spend the day in the same room with someone you're fighting with? Does it make sense? Well if not tough it makes sense to me. ; ) But I just suddenly felt normal and even a little humble at the thought of this unconditional love. The next step is to aknowledge I'm worthy of such love. It's so crazy I swear. ; )

So the new office space is nearing completion, I can't believe how fast it's gone. TOday they are going to texture the walls, tomorrow paint and next week will be carpet and phones. Then they'll be ready to move in. I still can't believe it. It makes me realize just how slow we are around here, but in my case it's the check book that holds up progress. My projects are always so intense and filled with problems and changes. Hmmmm....maybe it's me? nah, couldn't be. : )

So my love affair of electronics has been hitting some rough patches lately. My DSL is driving me crazy, but I don't think that's my fault. If I restart my modem every 2 hours it runs o.k., but if not it's a total mess and slow as anything I've ever seen. It's such a bargain at $35 a month!! I can't wait until the cable internet gets installed, that will be GREAT! And the digital phones!! Woot! I can't wait to get it all done, I'll save so much and have such nicer service.

Not only has it been my DSL, but my camera has been giving me fits. I can't get one of the computers to recognize the camera and the other one says I have a problem with one of my memory cards. The card reader I have said the same thing. I found a few websites that said I just needed an external reader because of some mother board issues, so I went and got one and it won't take my card. ARG! So I have to return said reader and I'm going to try and get the pictures put on c.d. at Wal-mart through their reader. The camera reads the card without a problem, but the readers in the computer say it's not formated. It's very frustrating as there are pictures I need off of there!! I haven't been the best at downloading pictures, but I'm catching up. That's what happens when you have so many memory cards! So hopefully I can get them off of there Sunday when I go to Wal-Mart. I have a few pics from cinci I would like to post because they are funny and make me laugh. ; )

So I just really had too much energy and time right now not to post a blog. I wish I had more to talk about, but there really isn't. I ran some cable today through the basement and hopefully early next week I'll be running new phone lines to the new office space. I'm learning more and more as time goes on, and with Julio gone for the week I've had to force myself to do this stuff myself. It's not all bad. ; )

So that's really all, if I get thought provoking things in my head later maybe I'll blog again, but my sister will be in to do the books later which means I'll have to find something non-computer to do, you know, like work.

Ah yes.

Yes, so I went back to my part time job last night after a week off for vacation and was pleasently surprised at the good time I had. It's not the people I hate, it's the need for the job in the first place. For the most part the crew I work with is so much fun, I get annoyed with the other parts of management that seem to be driven by drama, but I get past that, I don't work with them normally.

So last night I got to see all three of my favorite guys. Each one very different from the other, and yet they make me giddy the same. The one is tall, very slender and a total computer geek, but he's so dang cute and he's a big fan of mine, just not in the way I want, but he's fun and I enjoy working with him. Guy #2 is more of a working man type of guy, still young and immature and loaded with hormones. He has this thing with playing with my ass, it's all part of this constant gay bantar everyone seems to have, it's all fun and games and keeps time moving. He likes to caress my butt and laughs because I don't move away, I just let him go. This gets everyone laughing histerically. I really should batt his hands away, but it feels so nice, why would I do that? He's also really great at giving me back rubs. If only half of the things he said to me came true, I'd be one happy fella, well at least for a bit.

The third one is probably my favorite. Great eyes, great smile and he loves to hug me, I swear they spoil me. He's not scrawny, he's not built, he's just right. He's smart, sophisticated and if he was gay I'd run away with him forever. How sad right? But it's because of these feelings that I know I could fall in love, I could let someone love me, I know that I could be in a relationship which is a huge step for me. I'm happy about it. Now if only I could find some gay men as options for myself. Not going to have much luck around here, well not fully. I've been contacted by a few guys interested in talking to me on one of the online dating things I've registered with. But in order to contact them I need to subscribe and that's money I can't afford right now. How sad that life revolves around money so much.

So this past weekend I went out of town and stayed with an old college friend. She still doesn't know and I've thought about telling her a few times, but it's never the right time and not the right place. This time I didn't worry about it so much, I just figured if it was the right time I'd just tell her, if not, then I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like I'm broadcasting it on a bill board or anything, you know, just the world wide web! HA!

Yeah I know, my life is sad, but it's really not. I've been trying to learn more about my anxiety as it's taken it's toll this week. I've had a few more episodes than I usually do and not sure why. Probably the lack of money to pay my bills this month has alot to do with it. But I'll get through it. I think there is a deeper problem though, I do think it's a chemical thing. When I have too much going on at once I really start to freak out about it, I have to self contain it so people don't realize I'm flipping out so my heart starts racing and my vision gets a little wierd. After an hour or so it passes. I've gotten some suggestions on how to go about a fix, but it's going to take some time and courage.

So our trip to the club next week is going back and forth between yes and no, not sure what will happen exactly. I really enjoy going out once in awhile and it's been awhile. I'm not a dancer but I enjoy people watching and hanging out with friends, and gay night has it's advantages of having men around that could be a possibility, if even a small chance, it's nice to be around of people on the same page.

So I found a great little key ring, just the ring and have been wearing it as a thumb ring. I've always wanted a thumb ring because I thought they were pretty cool. I found some online but was always afraid I wouldn't really like it, so I've been wearing this thing trying it out. People are a little wierd about it. I didn't expect people to notice, but it seems everyone sees it. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but what are they thinking when they stare at it? I always stared because the people always had such a cool ring. I don't know, I think I'm crazy, but I think I'm going to order one anyway, something to make me feel better. ; )

Well I think that's all for today, pretty random, but I had to write about my boys and get them out of my head for a bit. Now that I know people will sometimes read this I couldn't exactly write down exactly the dirty thoughts in my head, but that's probably for the best. ; )

Thursday, February 28, 2008

The invasion of the Bee Girls

So yes, it's taken me over an hour to get myspace to cooperate enough tonight to get to the blog. I can not wait for my cable internet to get installed, this DSL crap is ridiculous!!! How sad that I started my internet experience on dial up in 1995. Wow, that was forever ago!! How far we've come.

So last weekend I got away. I had the girls come in and I actually took Saturday off. I have been on vacation from WEndy's for a week and it's been fantastic!!!! So I took the que and went to see L in Western Michigan. I hadn't been up to her house in a couple of years and thought it was about time. Her younger sister aparently wanted me to come up for some yummy food and horrible horror movies, I was more than happy to oblige. ; )

So I made the three hour drive and L took me to her local watering hole that she hangs out in. I got to meet some of her friends and we had a drink and hung out in a very crowded bar (and I didn't freak out!) And then we headed home because she had to be at work VERY early in the morning. I slept in (yeah, it was so difficult) hahaha. When I finally got up her sister ran me up to the restaurant L was working at to have breakfast. I had a very delicious greek omlete, it was FANTASTIC! just like everything I've ever had from Sam's.

We then went shopping for some yummy supplies for supper and we started our one of many many many horrible horror flicks and made fun of them and laughed and laughed. I really can't remember the names of all of them, but there were 2 on each DVD and the DVD's were 5 for $10. They were all from the 60's and 70's and were so funny my jaw started hurting from all the laughing. We did mix it up a bit with a few modern day horror movies.

L's brother came home and hung out with us and we all just had such a great time. She made my favorite dish of hers, Enchiladas from New Mexico, they are da bomb!!! We really didn't do all that much, but had so much fun and relaxed sooooo much. There is just something I love so much about being out of town and away from work!!

Sunday I got to sleep a bit but woke up fairly early, my body is not used to sleeping that much! But I got to sit in the room and just read in peace and quiet. I made great headway on a great book by Don Miller called Blue Like Jazz. I'm just over 3/4 of the way through with it, and I love it more and more as I keep reading. Then we spent the day chillin and watching more movies.

The weekend wasn't all that eventful but it was relaxing and hilarious, it doesn't get much better than that!! I got to drive, I love to drive, I miss driving on trips!!! 3 hours of me time to think or to rock out to some of my favorite music!! I love road trips so much. Seeing the traffic from all the people in a different place, it's so hard to put to words, but it's so relaxing. Driving on highways, new scenery, it's all just so magical to me. Sounds ridiculous I know!! But oh well, it's all me baby!!

It didn't take long on Monday for the stress of my life to set back in. It hasn't been an easy month and I'm going crazy. My anxiety issues seem to be speaking louder to me as time goes on, the older I get it seems the worse my anxiety gets. I know I need to get some help, but time is an issue, that and my constant feeling of bothering people with my problems. You people don't count, you come here willingly! ; )

We have started the updating process of the back room getting it ready for some renters, and it's moving fast and I'm loving it!! It will be done probably by the end of next week. It will be the quickest project we've ever had, and the greatest part is that I haven't had to do a damn thing!! The renter is very handy and wanted to get it all done himself, because if he had to wait on me and my maint. guy (who's on vacation for a week) he'd have to wiat a bit longer and he's ready to move now. So yeah!!

Yes, so Invasion of the Bee Girls was one of the horror movies. Seems a group of women were turning themselves into bees and killing men by having sex with them. We kind of figured out where they must be hiding their stingers. lol. The movie was hilarious, and yet horrible. We played the newest drinking game "Asscrack" Everytime an ass crack was shown on the screen you had to take a drink. Some of those movies could have destroyed my liver had we played the game all weekend, but we were smart. ; )

So anyway, I'm looking forward to getting my tax return back, my uncle did a bang up job on my taxes and got me more money back than I was expecting. Most of it will be put away for a new car, but I have a few things on my wish list I'm going to take care of too. ; )

Well that's really all from me right now. I'm sure I'll think of more I wanted to say, but by then I'll realized I don't have time to write more anyway. I try, I really do try!! Wait, it's not like you guys all post blogs either, so there, how do you like those apples!!! Apples? Where?

WEll honestly, that's all, why are you still reading? Oh you're wating for me to say good bye!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Misc.

So what is it about the thoughts of failure that bring out the thoughts of death in me? Don't get all freaked out, I'd never kill myself, I learned how to deal with that years ago, but really, what is it? Does death really have that strong of appeal? I spend too much time being freaked out about death because I can't comprehend it and yet when I start to realize failure that's where my mind goes. It's so not right.

Things have been rough lately and they are only getting worse it seems. The hardest part is I have no answers and no one I know is able to help me. I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle and there have been so many times over the years that have tested that theory, but when will it stop hurting so much.

I lay in bed at night praying to God to take it from me. I don't feel I'm strong enough to just hand it over. It's not that I don't think he can handle it for me, it's my need to take personal responsibility. Like I don't want to hand it off to God because it's my problem and I need to take care of it. I also have problems praying so much about money. Not about financial success but merely financial stability. To have the funds required to float along. I'm so rich in so many other ways, am I greedy for wanting this last bit of stability? I have issues, this I know.

So I answered my own problem really about feeling like a failure and yet I'm rich in so many other ways, but why is it then I still feel like a complete failure? Why do I still feel so worthless? Why do I feel like a coward? Why is it I still feel that I have nothing to give to the human race for any purpose? I feel like I keep trying and somehow I always screw it up, somehow I let everyone down and ruin people. How? I battle with this so much when the check book is down, am I linking financial stability with success or even sanity?

At the same time if I give up on this dream, what makes me think I will make it in another avenue in life? What makes me think I can make a go of another life. How many times will I try before I figure it all out? Will I ever make it?

In a more direct sense, how is it I can sit in front of a blank piece of paper and create a home fit for any client out of nothing, but I can't come up with an inexpensive and creative way to advertise this business? How is it I can take a piece of glass and create an interesting piece of art but I can't seem to draw people into this store and save them money? I just need help.

I've considered calling the realtor and listing this place as is and starting the process, but I'm not done yet. I'm not done with my vision, I'm not done yet. If I can survive this it will help me secure a more stable future and allow me to end this on my terms, to not destroy the people that have a stake in this as well, and to not disappoint anyone, including myself. But how.

I'm looking forward to leaving town this weekend, to get out of my head and get away from this building. Sometimes it just surrounds me and takes me over and it drives me crazy!! I need to clear my head and get a fresh start at it. To have conversations that aren't all about the store. Oh how I can't wait.

So I'm sorry this isn't happiness and roses and fuzzy little bunnies, but that's what's going on right now. I have friends that are having problems too. So far 2008 is not going so well, it just has to get better.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Motivation

It has recently come to my attention that this blog is not very uplifting, or even funny, and I dwelled on that for a few days until I realized, it's my blog. My life is not constantly uplifting, I have good and I have bad and I have more outlets for the good things so the things that are left are the bad and I have to have an avenue to get them out, and this is it. There are are many things I don't feel I can share with people and these are some of the things I put on here.

Today I was thinking about motivation. When I took on the responsibility of this business I was highly motivated. I had high hopes and big dreams. But what happens when the dreams aren't as big as you once thought? How do you find motivation when it feels like all hope is lost? How do you dig yourself out of the every deepening hole of depression?

I have been hitting more and more financial bumps in the road of my business. There is just no money left. Projects have to get done and there is no money left. There are bills that need to be paid and there is no money left. How can I grow my business with no money? How can I make improvement with no money? How do I deal with people who want my money when there is no money left? Penalties are growing because I'm falling behind. So I finally get my shit together and start paying penalties and everything is still falling behind further, so at this rate I'm never going to get caught up.

The answer for most is easy. Sell. How can I sell this business in this economy? Any other buyer is going to require repairs be made, or offer less because repairs will need to be made. They will make the smart choices I didn't make. I should have had the place inspected, I should have gotten quotes. And yet I've come so far. With a negative cash flow I've still managed to make so many repairs and do so many makeovers I shock myself. But how long will this last?

I need professional help. I need professional financial help. I need someone to come in and help me figure out a way out.

I've been dreaming about life after this place lately. A home that doesn't have work attatched, a life outside of work, having a steady paycheck, having health insurance, and enjoying life again. I can't say that I haven't enjoyed my time, and that I can't make it through more time here, but there is so much I miss. I miss having more of a social life, I miss having the time and money to get crazy from time to time.

There is talk about going out to the club in March. "The Club" is a bar fairly local to the area, well withing 1/2 an hour drive that I have been to a few times. It is a pretty cool bar, on gay night. They have a pretty great drag show (I'm not that into drag shows, but it's a good time), and it's just a great time surrounded by people, people having fun, people having a great time and there is always great times happening. It's just a fun night out. I do enjoy getting crazy from time to time. I think it will be fun. I'll go crazy the next day because I"ll be so freakin tired, but I'm looking forward to it. How gay is that? HAHAHAHAHA!!

So anyway, that's really all I feel like saying right now. So later!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Photobucket

You know, as I was doing my normal morning surfing of cartoon strips I came across this one. When I read this strip I stopped everything I was doing and couldn’t stop thinking about it.

This strip is so true in life. From a distance I look like a good person. I put this image on of who I mostly am, but the closer you get the more faults and problems you can see. I’m not who everyone thinks I am, I’m not the good guy who would do anything for anyone. The closer you get to me the more you can see just how selfish I am. I often wonder how my friends put up with some of the things I’ve done. I try often to rationalize the things I do or the situations I find myself in, but the truth is, I put myself there. I have much to learn about loving others, about giving selflessly and about how to let others into my life to really know me.

Much of human kind is like this. From a distance you can see someone so special, so full of life, so full of laughter, but do you see them at home? Do you see them when they are alone, can you see inside of their head? If someone were actually in my head I’m not sure they would want to be there for long.

As I was growing up I just figured God could not see inside my soul, that it was just the show he could see. The older I got the more I realized that God is the one who looks closer and sees the dirt and the filth and the selfishness inside. The more I realized that the more ashamed I became of who I was on the inside. The more I realized he could read my thoughts and I have gone around for years wishing I could shut off my brain or hide the dirt that is sin. I’m afraid to let people get close in fear they will see my dirt, that they won’t like what they see once they get close enough.

I push, I let people come so far and then I begin pushing them away, afraid they too will think I need a scrubbing to get rid of the filth. Perhaps this is part of my crisis of faith. Perhaps the more I realize that God has already seen the filth the more I want to push away, afraid of judgement, afraid of being cast out for the filth that lies within.

I have given my heart to God, but our relationship is a battle if that makes any sense at all. I know I am his and he loves me but letting him get close enough to see the sin is something I’m working on. I’m afraid to let it show, to fully admit the things of my past that were wrong. I’m still ashamed that the filth is there to begin with. I sometimes think it’s just easier to keep people at a distance so they don’t see it. Keeping them at a distance allows me to be who they think I should be, or who they’ve always thought me to be.

I’m not crazy, I know that God sees me for who I really am, and strangely enough he still loves me. I think from time to time that maybe I’m not ready for a scrubbing, like I’m not ready to be rid of the filth inside, I hold on thinking it’s part of who I am, I fear being scrubbed and wiped clean. There is nothing more hurtful than getting a floor nice and clean, then stepping back and watching someone dirty it up again not 2 seconds after you cleaned it. I fear the same thing. That no matter how clean I try to make it, that sin will be back not more than 2 seconds later.

This probably makes no sense, but I had to write it, it was just bouncing around in my head after I found this cartoon.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

How did I get here?

So lately I've been wondering how I ended back up in this podunk town. How did I really convince myself that was the best option? Was it friends? Was it family? I'm just not sure.

I feel like I'm suffocating here and I'm not sure how to get through it. I've considered moving, and while I haven't forgotten that thought it's not something I can do right now. The market is horrible which means no jobs and no sale of my real estate. So I have to figure out what to do to make this place more bareable.

I love my friends, the few that still remain, I really do, but I feel like I have no one to really talk to. And that's really not true either. What it comes down to is I have no time to have an intellectual conversation, the few times one sparks is when I'm at work and I get interupted a thousand times or can't say what I want to say because certain ears are around, so the conversation ends before it gets good. The time outside of work we seem to spend so much time trying to make each other laugh that there is no good time to discuss serious issues, or bring them up. Kind of like a mood killer, you know? I love to laugh, I love to have fun, but I miss discussing life situations, or telling stories from the days gone by. I have such an eclectic group of friends I would think it would so easy, and yet between timing and moods, I still have none.

I spend so much time blogging and having internet conversations because my real life doesn't have room for them, and yet it's so unfulfilling. Maybe that's the word I'm looking for for my life? Unfulfilling. I don't travel, I don't do good things for people, I don't even have the time to help the needy or even just drop by a friend's house who's having a rough time. I spoke with a friend I haven't seen in several months the other day and found out she lost three very close people to her since I've seen her and her mother found out she has cancer. I mean, damn. Where was I? Why couldn't I have stopped by and said hello, how ya doin?

This life I find myself in is just insane. It's nothing that I pictured and nothing that I've dreamed about, or even hoped for. Somehow I've landed myself in a strange place. It's not that I'm horribly in trouble or anything. I am truely blessed with great friends, a loving family, a roof over my head, food to eat, three freakin jobs, and so on and so forth, and yet days like today I'm sitting here lonely and sad. I don't understand how I can be these things. I have no connection to the outside world besides the computer so I feel my conversation skills are at a loss as well. I have a hard time holding conversations on my own and letting the other person just feed in information. I used to be able to do that, to spark a conversation about random things and yet I find myself now just sitting in silence.

So really, how the hell did I get here? I'm not the person I want to be, how do I do that? There is a great person inside that is dying to get out, to live life and have more adventures, and yet that person is being drowned by the mundane life I have found myself in. No traveling, no adventure, nothing. I used to have fun, I used to go places and do things and experience new things and for the last 2 1/2 years I've been inside the city limits of this small town being killed slowly. For some people this place is perfect for, the safety the protection and the familiarity of it all. But I'm not one of those people, what made me think I was? What made me think I could be happy here? I'll never find a relationship in this life, even if I could find a relationship it wouldn't last, I work too much. And even if all that worked out, how could I live in a gay relationship in this town?

I'm at such a loss right now. I just want to get out, I want to do things, I want to see things and I want to experience. I want to think back to some times and remember how much fun we had doing such random things. Years ago friends and I would go to random shows, or visit random tourist places fairly local, we would hunt out the haunted areas around town and have an adventure. We would take sparadic trips to other towns around and just visit places. We'd drive 2 hours to eat dinner in a new place, just because we could. I miss those times. I miss doing new things. I sit here day after day doing the same damn thing. When people want to go do things, they are the same things over and over, everyone has found a rut and seems o.k. with it, but I'm not. I want to live, I want to see things and meet people and learn things. But for now...I'm stuck.

So anyway, I'm off to do some laundry and get ready for another job, so bye.

Friday, February 8, 2008

If you want to destroy my sweater.......

So I have been finding myself lately with a little extra money. You're probably thinking to yourself the same thing I was thinking.....How can this be? I had a good December for all three of my jobs and I've been saving a few dollars here and there and I finally went out and got a few new pieces of clothes.

Yes, finally, I haven't boughten any new clothes in nearly two years, most of my clothes has holes in it and it's just terrible, so I finally got a few dollars together to get some new stuff. We drive all the way to Monroe Michigan to the outlet store up there (the one for fat people like me) and find it is no longer in existance. DRATS! But we stopped at a few places in Toledo and I found some new things for myself, a few new shirts at least. Then I spent some christmas money and ordered my new pair of jeans to replace the most comfortable and incredible pair of jeans I've ever owned. It took me a while to find the right size, the right build and the right color to match what I had, but I did it. I have never spent more than $25 on a pair of jeans, but to get these specific jeans I just shelled out $50. I still can't believe it, if that outlet store would still be open I could have gotten them for around $20! But I really need jeans and I really wanted these. I work hard, I should be able to have one or two nice things right? I knew you'd agree.

So as I wear each new piece of clothing I feel lost in a philisophical thought. I notice my tastes change with ever new closet of clothes I get. One year it's all dark and dismal, and the next I try out new colors, greens and oranges and reds. But not just the color, but the styles. I have found I like button up shirts more comfortable than t-shirts and such but as I wear my clothes it makes me think about my life. It's a stretch I know.

Some would think of the obvious connection of colors like black would represent a dark period in my life, and in maybe some form that's true, but that's not what I was thinking so stop hijacking my thoughts will ya? ; )

I've been thinking that I dress for who I am in my head. I'm big on trying things on because sometimes that gets away from me. Sometimes the person I think I am can not pull off some of the styles I think I should, things just don't fit right, or they just look horrible on me. Yet when I think about who I am on the inside, I feel like I can never dress like I feel. Then it starts a track to start to wonder how much different my life would be if I fit into the clothes I've pictured for myself.

There are days I sit in this store, helping customers, talking to customers and hearing them talk, and I wonder...."What the heck am I doing here?" I always pictured myself in a city, somewhere away from here. I pictured myself much thinner by now with some really nice clothes to help the outside match the inside, you know? I just keep thinking...How the hell did I get here? There are so many answers to that question, there are so many more questions that appear with that question though too. On the inside I feel like a slick black tuxedo, and on the outside I feel like a frumpy old ratty t-shirt and jeans that is not appealing at all.

So how do I become the tuxedo? How do I take this image of my outside and transform it to the inside, and how did I get here to begin with? How do I keep slipping back into comfort zones? Why don't I push myself harder to get to where I want to be? How do I know this is where I am supposed to be? Who the hell am I?

I've been playing the cards that have been dealt to me, and it's been o.k. I've had some great fun, met tons of very cool people and have lived both sides of life, the city life and Nap. life. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be, and worse yet, I'm not sure anymore where I want to be. I moved back to this area for reasons that weren't really here to begin with, reasons I thought were so solid, and yet I find they aren't anymore. I moved away from the city I was near for very solid reasons and I still feel that way.

I think we are always led to where we are for a reason, wether or not we know what it is, but I can't stand that, what is my reason for being here? Was it to save the store? Was it to be near my family? Was it to help someone that comes in here? I just get lost.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm standing on the outside of this party called life and just watching it go on without me. I feel like I'm ouside looking in and I'm not sure what that means or how it's supposed to make me feel, or what's wrong, or even if it is wrong. I want to join the party, I want to dance to the thumpa thumpa thumpa (not literatly, anyone who has seen me dance can attest to that) of the music of life. Oh how I wish to feel alive again.

I just need to figure out how to be the black slick tuxedo I see myself as instead of the ratty old clothes that are only suitable for painting your house in.

I'm starting to think I should sleep more. ; )

Have a wonderful day/night/afternoon (whenever you're reading this)!!!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

A new perspective

Ah yes, a new perspective on my blog. As I have been rereading some of my posts I realize there were a few that were not true representations of who I am, maybe how my mind works from time to time, but not things I would normally say out loud, so I have once again gone through and edited them. Why do I feel the need to edit my previous posts? Well I have actually recieved a few comments which means someone else is actually reading some of these, and like I said, there were a few left that were off charecter for me, so I edited them down or deleted them completely.

So lately things have been pretty dull. Since my trip down south things have been calm, not much exciting going on, just getting from one day to the next, it's really all I can ask for anymore. I have had some good times, but nothing really to do cartwheels about, although it would sure be fun to try! ; )

So the other day my friend X and I were getting into a discussion about my life and he told me he sort of thinks I just haven't met the right woman. I was a bit shocked. He's the first person I told about being gay and he was cool about it, but like he said, inside it was quite shocking to hear it out loud for the first time. He mean no offense by telling me I haven't found the right woman yet, and I didn't take it offensivly but I was a bit taken back by the statement. I tried to explain to him that it's like saying he's not gay because he hasn't met the right man yet. I mean really? I guess I don't understand how it's not understandable. It's all a parts issue. It's not like I'm more mentally connected with men than women, because the opposite is true. I have more female friends than male friends. It's all in the sexual connection. In the two relationships I was in before there wasn't anything there. Yes I forced it through some fantasies and such, but the basic sexual attraction is not there. There hasn't been a woman I've ever met that has attracted me, or I have been attracted to. How do you explain to that to a guy who doesn't understand what it's like to be attracted to a man?

How do you explain that the muscles on a man make me melt? How do you explain how much attention I pay to chiseled chins, bubble butts, hairy arms, muscular backs, etc... How do you explain that. He notices things about women I'm completely oblivious too. I only wish we would have had the time to expand on that conversation, but like every other conversation I have tried to have here, it gets interupted and ended before I have time to finish a thought. It's crazy and drives me crazy!!! I want to know more about what's in his head because that was a shock, and I'd like to know if there are other things in there he wants to know, or wants to ask, or things he wants to tell me. I look to him for advice and words of wisdom.

He's also the person I fear the most about telling about thinking about moving. He was unhappy I came back because he knew I'd never be happy, but now he's the one that's going to be hurt the most when I leave. I don't know when or where too, but I know that someday in the next five years I'm going to be leaving again. I can't just keep this up, I want to be happy and live a life suitable for me, not the box people keep trying to fit me into. I need the be near the city, I need to be near options and culture and open mindedness. It's so hard to explain, but when I'm in this tiny little city it really feels like I'm on the outside of life looking in and I can't do it anymore. I'm going to miss him like crazy, but I'm dying here.

I don't know where I was going with this, but oh well, here I am! I was trying to think about if there was anyone else I felt the need to tell about myself lately and I think there's only one other person on the list, and I'm hoping to go visit her in the end of this month, hopefully I can bring it up and tell her, I know she'll be o.k. but a bit shocked. And once again I think alot of things are going to fall into place and things will make a little more sense to her.

Eh, so anyway, that's all for today, just thought I'd type a bit.

It's a whole new world!

So today after I cleaned out the office I finally switched out my monitor. I've been noticing for some time now that it has been getting darker and darker where I couldn't see pics clearly and so on and so forth. I'd been messing around with the settings to see if I had screwed something up, but couldn't find anything to change it like I needed it. So luckily for me, when I had been searching for a monitor for my other computer, I ended up with two monitors. I saved one and had it in another room collecting dust. I pulled it out and plugged it in and WOW! What a difference!

I swear it's like going from the old console t.v. (without a remote!) and upgrading to an HDTV! The clarity and color is just amazing!!! It's like I'm viewing these things again for the first time!!! I just had to share.

Everything else is kind of dull. Got some much needed paperwork and cleaning done today and had a good sales day while still having enough time to get done the rest of my work. It works for me! Tonight I get to work, oh well I should have a fun crew so it will be alright.

Have a good one!