Friday, November 30, 2007

A short one

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

A post card taken from Post Secret that could have been written by me.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Shop till you Drop

Next week Mohring's will be taking part in an event called "Shop till you drop"

25 businesses will be having tremendous sales all week and five businesses a day will be featured as part of a trivia game. At the end of the week the winner will recieve $500 chamber dollars and the next 4 winners will recieve prizes as well.

I personally will be having some spectacular deli specials, as well as tasting of products, and if I can pull it off there will be new gift baskets and homemade christmas goodies.

I'm exhausted thinking about it, but it should be fun. I hope it turns a crowd and I hope to see some of you out here as well!!!

We are pushing shopping locally, I hope it works! If I'm not around much it's because I'll be working my tail off to get it all done in time!!! ; )

Monday, November 26, 2007

Friends

There are few people in this life that I actually connect to in such a way that makes me feel less alone. Recently, the last year or so, I have found new people and refound a few people that I swear were born with the same brain. These people are amazing people, each with their own struggles, each with completely seperate lives, each with different choices, and yet their thoughts are so close to mine. I swear we were all born from the same person and just seperated at birth through several years even.

I'm a big reader of blogs, I especially love blogs written by people I know, or have gotten to know, it's scary at times to read these blogs thinking I could have written them myself. That I myself could have written the same thing word from word, and many of them have felt the same about my blogs. Can it be that these thoughts and ideas have drawn us all together? Do other people have this? Since I have found friends like this I have started to reevaluate several other friendships and I feel like my other friendships are lacking in something. I have friends that I would do anything for, friends I care very deeply about, but there are times we have nothing to talk about. I'm baffled sometimes how two people could remain friends if they feel they can't talk about certain things with each other.

How can I be friends with someone that I can't talk to? I can't express my feelings to? Maybe it's me. I find myself unable to express certain things to certain people because I feel they don't care. Sometimes I get the feeling that they really don't care about what happens in my life, and just when I start to think that they say something or react in a way to show they really do care. It always takes me by surprise, I'm not sure why. I have very few friendships that have lasted very long. Some of my friends aren't really my friends anymore, but say they are. How could they be if they know nothing about my life? People call themselves my friends and yet they don't know I have three jobs, or what's happening at the store, or even what my phone number is. So why is it we stay friends? My oldest actual friendship that is still intact after all these years is a mere 13 years old. 13 years out of 30.

It makes me sad that some of the best people in my life don't know of me before. I didn't get to share in experiences before that, times I wasted on people I don't even talk to anymore. There are people I used to call friends that are more like just people I know now, and there were people back then I knew, or knew of that now know more about me then most people. It's a very strange cycle in life that I find so baffling.

If you haven't noticed baffle is my new favorite word.

Maybe it's me. I find myself a great listener but not a very good conversationalist. I have trouble phrasing things, or even putting somethings to words. I find myself becoming so sheltered from the outside world because of my many jobs I feel I don't have the right advice, like I don't have the right things to say so I don't say anything. There are times I don't say anything or put on my happy face because I get tired of always complaining, so I hide what's really going on and fake it. To talk about myself would involve too many emotions, or sometimes I feel like people would want to get involved when it's not really what I want. Sometimes I just want people to listen, I guess that's why I blog so freakin much at times. I just have things to say that I don't normally just say, and you have the choice to read or to move on, either way I feel someone will read and it always makes me feel better. ; )

This blog really has no point to it, it's just something I've been taking note of lately. I love everyone of my friends and wouldn't trade them for anything, and there is a long list of people that were friends at one time that I still care for. Not because we still talk, or that they still even care, but because we shared a moment in time. We shared an experience, we shared the same space for what seems like a split second that left a lasting impression in my mind. If my mind remembers them, they meant something to me, and I wonder, does it mean the same to them?

In the last several years I've come across people from my past that have shared the same stories about me that I remember and it makes me feel good to know they must have had some sort of impression left in their mind from me. It's a good feeling to know that the moment we shared, the joke that was told, or the experience we had was memorable to someone else as well. That moment was not wasted, that moment was special enough for two people in the world that they remember it years and years later.

Life is so funny sometimes. It picks you up, it drops you down, and sometimes it throws you into a spin cycle in a washing machine, beats you up like a dirty rug, chews you up and spits you out, and yet we continuously pick ourselves up and move on. Each experience, each moment remembered. Do you remember yours?

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Another Religious Post

Well some how it happened again, I don't know how it happens, it just does.

I went to church this morning, I have felt the need to go for sometime now but have been avoiding it in fear of feeling angry again, and yet it snuck up on me again. I went today as my cousin's baby was being baptized and I was so torn with emotion I still don't know how to deal with it.

My family is so close, we're a tight kint group that would throw parties just so we could all get together. Suddenly this baptism was a great opportunity for a party, and yet most of the family wasn't even invited. None of the cousins, our parents were invited, but none of us. There has been no explanation as to why, which would get rid of much of this anger. I feel hurt, and I know I shouldn't, but at the same time I do. After church everyone was rushing the front to see the baby and visit with the family and I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could. It was not all due to the family issue, but it was a part of it. If they didn't want me there to celebrate, I figured they wouldn't want me there either. I feel bitter and I hate it.

The other reason is once again I'm over come with the fear of my God's disapproval for my life. On Sunday morning when I'm taking my shower I listen to the radio, the local station broadcasts different sermons, it has been my way to listen to church without the anger and hurtful feelings. This morning nearly had me in tears, it was a sermon about how evil and sinful homosexuality is. I just couldn't believe it. There I was reaching out to God and a man of God telling me I was going to burn in hell for all eternity for being who I am. How is that justice? How am I supposed to take that? I just can't believe that my God, my God that I have been worshiping my whole life, my God that I have tried my best to serve, would send me to burn in hell for all eternity for being who I am.

God himself created me. How could he create something he planned on condeming to hell? How could I be cast out and thrown aside like that? How could I be let down like that? I was crushed. I still feel at a loss for what to feel. It has sucked out all that is good in my Sundays and it makes me feel even more alone. I feel like my pastor can see my pain. After church he stands at the back and shakes everyones hands as they leave. Today when he gripped my hand he put his other one on my arm and told me how nice it was to see me. I think he could look into my soul, I felt like he could see through me. His eyes were filled with comfort with caring and concern. The man is amazing. I know that talking to him could help me, could help ease some of my religous frustration, but how? I don't have the time, nor am I comfortable telling my mother's boss about my lifestyle, about who I really am. It's not really a conversation that I think I can have.

I'm sitting here watching shows with weddings. I try to picture finding myself someone to love, someone that will love me and wonder what it would be like the first time we were seen together with my family, to dance together, to show some sort of affection, what kind of earth shattering shock that would cause. But with my bitterness growing in my family should I care? Is my bitterness growing because of that?

I'm so lost I could scream. I've been researching more and more about depression and I'm starting to believe that I am depressed, I fit 98% of all the physical and mental tell tale signs, it's a bit freaky. But the sad and depressing part of it all is I can't afford to see the doctor and I couldn't afford the meds, so here I am with my thoughts and my blog. Lucky you.

Well I have stuff to do. Each blog entry ending like the one before it, sad and lonely. When will it ever end? I'm slipping away from who I was and becoming someone I don't like. A whiny and depressing son of a bitch. Here's to something different.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The hardware Department has sold!!!

When I bought this business I aquired about 2000 square feet of outdated hardware supplies with it. These items had been on the shelf for the last 10-15 years and hadn't sold. We organized it all and filled another space with it all and priced it at 50% off. We continued the sale for several months and dwindled down to a smaller selection that we then moved and continued the sale. We had gone up to 75% off, but when we moved it we just repriced everything to move.

I had taken much of the good stuff and donated it to several different organizations and wrote it off. I did a "bag" sale, where you fill a bag for $2. Things had gotten down to be managable. But the last year this stuff has just sat there collecting dust. I had decided that as of December 31 I would box everything up and have an auctioner sell everything at a consignment auction in the spring and whatever I got, I got. Well last night a family friend came over and made an offer for all the remaining merchandise in that department. After some haggling and some thought we came to an agreement and I finally unloaded a crap load of unwanted hardware.

This hardware has been holding back several projects as it takes up so much space, and now that the time is coming to get to those projects the space will finally be available. I made enough off of the sale that I will be able to rebuild the much smaller and much more managable hardware department. We are streamlining everything. We will have what you need for basic projects. We will no longer carry specialty items, or hand tools or large items. We will carry all the small pieces one requires. I'm very happy about the sale. Finally after two years this unwanted crap is finally going to be out of my building, how could I be sad?

One of the guys that were part of the sale is also going to find me a cheap vehicle that is mechanically sound to get through the next few years. I'm very excited. He's well known for his knack of coming across great deals on good vehicles. As sad as I will be to see my dream car be hauled away, it's time to move on. It's time to let it be and continue on to the day I can afford my next dream car. For now I just want a small pick-up. I'm actually really liking the idea of a small pick-up, I can haul stuff on my own then. No more borrowing trucks or waiting for people, I can just do it myself. It's more of an independence thing.

So anyway that's what's been happening here at the store!!

Hope everyone has a great and happy holiday!!!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Weekend Update

From Myspace:

Well as things calm down and/or get a little better I'm feeling more in a blogging place, so we'll give it a try again!

So last week seemed to pull my sales out of the slump they have been in and it felt good. It also brought the bad news that the new screen printer I had set to move in backed out, so I won't have schoolware to sell this christmas. I"m bummed, I had a space all set for it. Oh well I guess, roll with the punches, roll with the punches.

So I took my car to get looked at/ fixed on Friday and they did $100 worth of work to it. Friday I went to spend some time with Free and Charro and discovered that the car was not fixed. I need a whole new transmission, so the car is a gonner. I did however discover the car is drivable. I just have to shift gears like it was a manual trnasmission. It's not easy but I got used to it. I think I can squeeze a few more months out of it this way.

Free and Charro were very entertaining as usual. We watched Beauty Shop with Queen Latiffa. I laughed my butt off, it was actually a funny movie like they said it was! How could I doubt the Queen, she's awesome in all of her movies. She's one of my favs. Bet you didn't know that about me huh? ; )

Saturday, well what can I say about Saturday....oh yeah GO BUCKEYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a great game. We had a party in the back of the store so I could enjoy the game between customers. WE had a ton of food and lots of celebrating since we kicked butt. I'm very sad to see Carr retiring, we could use his coaching to win a few more games I think. But we'll see who replaces him. It was a good time and a great game!!!

Sunday was great. I went and spent the day with my friends Steph and Pedro in Toledo. We spent time catching up, picking on Pedro because he broke his leg very badly falling from a ladder cleaning out the gutters. He's doing much better, but he enjoys being picked on. Those two are such great people. They took me to eat at a place called Aladin's. Some of the best mediteranian food I've ever had! It was very good. Then I ran some errands with them, how sad that it was fun too! Then we sat at their place and talked more. What can I say, a day out of my house with fun people is fun, regardless of what we do!

It was a good weekend. This week will be short with Thursday being taken out, but I also have five days of cleaning at the Annex, it's going to be a long week at the same time. But such is the life I signed up for! ; )

Other than that, it's been pretty quiet on the homefront. I haven't done much blogging or emailing lately, I should probably do more, but I either don't find the time, or just don't have much to write about. There were some surveys I saw that a certain someone posted that are calling me, hopefully I'll get to them yet today. I always enjoy a good survey!

later.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Hard Days

The business is struggling. I seem to be side swiped when I'm not watching. Two years later this shouldn't be so hard. I fight every day to stay alive, I fight to pay the bills and it leaves me with nothing. Can someone please tell me how to fix it? Can someone tell me what I'm missing? I work and work and work and get no where. What have I done? What haven't I done?

No one said owning a business would be so heart breaking. The ups, the downs, it's an emotional roller coaster and I'm ready for the exciting part to come up.

I've decided to post a blog I just wrote for myspace:

Can someone explain to me how to make it stop?

I work, and I work, and I work and I still have nothing. My car is on it's last tire and I can't afford to fix it and I can't afford to replace it. What do I do?

My trasmission has been acting up for several weeks and to get it looked at requires $70 bucks. Which to most people is not much, but to me it's one week of pay. If it needs a new transmission I'm looking at $1700. The car is worth $2000. I can't put in a new transmission for a car that has 170,000 miles. What's to say the motor won't burn up the week after?

I don't have the credit for a new car, there are places for times like this I know, but they still require income. I have an income of $5,000/year and $35000 worth of student loans hanging over my debt to income ratio. That's really the only bill I have besides car insurance, my struggling business pays for everything else. I'm at a loss.

They tell me God will only give me what I can handle, but I'm telling you that in the last six months my mind has reached that point. I was hoping to leave Wendy's after christmas but I don't see that happening, I may have to pick up more shifts instead. How do I turn this place around to pay me? The economy is in the toilet and businesses all around me that have been well established are closing up. I'm a little freaked out.

My dad just stated he wonders what it woud be like if I had stayed in architecture. I'm not sure how to take that, if he regrets helping me do this or that he wished I hadn't done this at all, or if he's just wishing the same thing as me, that it wouldn't be this hard two years later. Even if I had stayed in the business, they are hurting too. My old boss went under and that is only one instance out of many that I have heard. A job in that field is just as shaky as anything else right now.

Am I being punished? Was ex. 2 right? Is karma coming back and has put a hex on me? Is that even possible?

I was told all my life that hard work paid off. My question is when? I'm not asking to be wealthy, I'm not asking for a Jaguar, I'm not asking for diamonds and gold. I'm only asking to have a running car, a place to call my home, and clothes on my back. I seem to be failing right now and it's killing me. I'm losing my motivation, I'm losing sight and I'm not sure how to turn it around.

I had a bad mental weekend and this is just not helping. I'm bowling tonight so hopefully that will help my mood because something has got to change it, something has to change, something has to go right. I'm just at my wit's end. I'd never be dumb enough to do something drastic or stupid, so don't think like that. I'm just slowly losing my mind and I have no idea how to stop it.

I've been in tight financial spots before and somehow I've always managed to find a way out, but I'm running out of ideas, I'm running out of energy and I'm tired of sleepless nights. I find myself up until 2 or three in the morning nearly every night because my mind won't stop thinking long enough for me to collapse. I try to keep it all in so my parents won't stay up at night worrying also, but sometimes it slips out.

I'm sorry this is so whiney, I just had to get it out of my system. I have to whine once in awhile, it keeps me a well balanced person. ; )

Anyway I'm off to clean and try and forget about life for awhile.

End of post

Yeah, it's been a rough few days in my head. I should be thankful I have semi good health, a loving family, friends I wouldn't trade for the world, and opportunity people only wish for. And yet here I am whining and complaining how hard my life is. I'm just not right in the head.

open for love

So I have been discussing my dating life or lack there of with an old high school friend I have become very close with. And I decided that I truly am ready to open my life and my heart to let love back in. I have decided what I want and what I won't settle for. I'm ready to share myself with someone, someone who will see through the outside crap and see what's inside my heart.

What I've realized is that deciding to open my heart has exposed and opened the hole that's inside. The hole that makes me feel empty, the hole that makes me lonely. This gaping hole I have discovered in my heart. I don't need it filled to feel complete, I need it filled to stop feeling so alone. Even in my relationships that I have had, I have felt alone. There is nothing worse than laying in bed with someone you think you love and feel more alone than when you are alone.

I have this hole that I want to fill. It has a shape that doesn't allow just anyone to fill it. The last few have been rectangles trying to fit into a square hole. The very last one was like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

Speaking on the phone for a mere 10 minutes I discovered 15 things that turned me off, basic beliefs or basic behaviors that were enough to make me run any other time, and yet I continued on. I listened more, I talked more, I exposed feelings I had never shared with someone I knew I would never care for, why? because of that hole in my heart. I continued on a week's worth of conversations and started to make plans with someone I knew I wouldn't like, someone I knew was incredibly wrong for me, and yet I continued. I nearly made a large mistake and led someone into believing I was something I'm not, that I was looking for something I'm not just to fulfill a physical need, to fill the hole in my heart. I told myself after my last relationship fell apart that I would not settle, that I would not be talked into dating anyone I didn't want to date, and yet there I was making the same mistakes.

I spend most of my free time watching movies and episodes of t.v. shows. It has been unhealthy to grow up as part of the t.v. generation. I have come to expect different things from love. I expect movie or t.v. love, where all problems can be settled in less than 60 minutes. The romance that makes the music start to play. And then there are movies that are meant to make people laugh and yet make me want to jump off a freakin cliff.

The movie Shallow Hal was disguised as a funny movie that people should watch. And yet what I saw when I watched it was a horrifying movie. A movie that told me that no one would be attracted to me without being hypnotized into seeing the good in people and not the outside package. I am one that has been hiding behind my weight all my life. Even when I found someone that could see through the outside I never believed it, because I didn't find it possible that someone would find me attractive. Even the latest escapade of mine, swore me to they found me attractive, and I kept saying photos are easily decievable.

I am the low self esteem funny man that people love to be friends with, they love to love me, but they never fall for me. Online dating seems to be my only option, it's a way for people to get to know me before they see me. And it drives me crazy. I'm not sure if my loneliness or my physical urges, but I find many people attractive. Small, tall, short or heavy, everyone has beauty within them. If I can see that, why can't others? Am I searching for the wrong type of person?

I created this blog to say the things I wanted to say, I'm not always allowed to do that in my other blogs, blogs that people read. I am the funny man that is supposed to entertain everyone when deep inside I feel like I'm dying. I put on a happy and sarcastically entertaining face for everyone but deep down inside I cry, I cry nearly everyday inside. I want to scream in agony and fear, I want to scream in frustration and anger. And yet when people see me they see Mr. Funny. The person on the inside is crying out for help, for a hug, for someone to snuggle up to him at night, rub his back and tell him that everything is going to be alright. And yet every night I go to bed alone, I lay on the couch alone, I drive alone and the person on the inside is dying. What happens when that voice dies? Will I give up all together? The voice scares me and drives me to do things I wouldn't normally do.

There is so much on this blog that people would be shocked to read, so much people don't want to hear, so much people would be upset with and feel hurt by. People that would never speak to me, so why do I do this?

I even have altered every entry to curb my expressions, I have altered it because I have been ashamed of what I have written, things about me that no one knows, things that I feel no one should ever know, but things I desperately want people to know, and yet I erased entries. I live in fear everyday of being discovered for who I am, and yet inside I'm screaming for people to find out. There is more to me and yet very few people in my life have opened their eyes enough to catch a glimpse of who I am. I have one friend that has told me of this, one friend that has seen through most of my charades and most of my cryptic messages to see me for who I mostly am. There are still things he doesn't know, things I think I should be ashamed of, things I'm afraid of saying, but maybe he sees those too.

I have been so lonely lately I reached out to people I had to say goodbye too with the end of my last relationships. I reached out in disguise, I created a character, a character that is very close to who I am, feels the way I feel and says the things I want to say. These people are befriending someone in my mind. I have created such a background and thought into this character that I've created an alternate ego. A new personality that sometimes has a tough time drawing lines between that life and this one. I feel sad for doing this, but part of me believes it's my creativity that is creating this character. It has crossed my mind that these stories should become a book, it may be a good way to get myself out there, at least onto paper.

I have no idea what I'm saying in this blog, it's a purge of things in my head. I became so lonely today that I went to work. My one day off and I volunteered to go to a job a hate because there were people there. There was something other than my house, something other than my business to go to, to do, to talk to. It's just so sad that I would give up my day off to go someplace I hate, just so I'm not alone. Even now tears form in my eyes because it hurts so much. This loneliness that is eating me up from the inside and it has made me more emotional than I care to be.

Today is Sunday, when I was a kid Sundays were a day about God. I woke up today and realized that I have forgotten that. It's not that I have lost my love for God, or my faith in God. God has kept me alive this far, I live for my God, I don't serve him as much as I should, but I do the best I can. I realized this morning that now that I finally have my 20 year identity crisis under control it has spawned a religious crisis. A crisis I don't have a way to search for answers for. The solution to my identity crisis has landed me in a situation I wasn't prepared for, my anger and confusion towards organized religion. My first blog on this site was in regards to my crisis of faith, I don't really have the strength to go into it again.

I have loved my church all my life but it is this church that has been a part of driving me away. The easy answer is to find another church, but each church in this area would drive me away just as far. I find myself lost in thought. I find myself questioning everything and everyone in my life. How do I stop it? My pastor is a kind man, a smart man and has done wonders for everyone in my church, including my own family. But what if he doesn't have the answers. Where do I find the answers I'm searching for? My sister said to start with my pastor, she said he's a great place to start. I haven't told her what my crisis is, I know she'd understand but I'm not ready for her help, but maybe she'd be a good start. She studied religion in a different environment, with different views, maybe she would have the answers. I'm just not sure.

I'm just searching for answers, maybe the answers will fill the void in my heart and I wouldn't feel so lonely. I know God is always with me, but the void in my heart is the chasm between me and the loving embrace of my God, the God that wouldn't let me feel so alone. The God I want to love me for who I am, good bad and indifferent.

I go to bed tonight the same as every night, searching, praying to send me the answers I need. He listens, I know he's there just waiting for me to find a way over the chasm.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

My neighbor

I have decided today I have an unhealthy obsession with my neighbor. I melt when he walks in the door. He's so much fun to look at and he's such an awesome person.

He said once that gay guys don't find him attractive. He said he's asked a few of his clients who were gay if he was an attractive man, and they told him he kind of was for a straight guy. I was floored. I wanted to tell him how much lust I have for him, but he would freak out, so I bite me tounge like so many other times. He's a hottie, that's all there is to it.

Other than that realization I had meant to rant and rave about work I was doing for my uncle, but he told me tonight how much he appreciated me doing this for him and paid me $50. I was excited, it made it all worth it. Even without the money it would have been worth it to hear that. It's nice to hear everyonce in awhile. My family, we do anything for everyone and don't expect much in return except a thank you. That's all it really takes to keep us happy. Well that and if we need help that the person is there to help when they can. It's a give and take relationship we all share, it's good for us.

So strangely business was terrible today and yet I had a good day. I felt like I've accomplished alot today. It was stressful trying to get everything done, but it feels good to have it done. Life is good for a change. God has smiled on me today. ; )

K the Wine Lady

She's not a wino, nor does she have a shopping cart that keeps her belongings in, but she's different. The first time I met K I was taken back quite a bit. I felt myself overwhelmed by her energy and her love for God. She is another born again, which in most people can bother me, but for her, it's like her saving grace. She's got a big heart and will help anyone in need. She had another customer in tears one day because she asked what was wrong, I guess she just saw something and gave them a hug and the talked for what seemed like forever.

She can very freaky at times, but she's a good person. She has tall tales also. I'm never quite sure what to believe from her when it comes to her personal life. It's always something different, and big stories and long drawn out situations. I've heard from several others that she is a pathological liar, but I honestly think to her these things are happening. Her mind is making her believe that these things are really happening. I just smile and nod and try to keep up with the next big idea, or the next big job, or why they fell through.

I listen because she's a good person. I listen because that's what I do best, I listen. She's a great customer and has brought me new business, so how could I be mean to someone like that? She does nothing to hurt people and she's good to me, to me that's a good person. She comes off a little over zealous at times, but she's just excited about it, there is nothing wrong with that. She keeps feeling guilty about buying wine twice a week, I told her there is nothing wrong with it. If I had the time at night I could easily finish a bottle myself.

Anyway that's K. She's a good person and has been good to discuss religion with. She's got answers, not always that I agree with, but I let it go, she's excited about God, I'm not about to be someone to put a stop to that. It's not about how you find God, it's just that you find him, in your own way. ; )

Aggrevated

So this weekend I finally got around to cleaning the office. What a freakin nightmare. I swear I love my family and friends, but there are days I want to throw them all out of here.

I have such a hard time trying to keep up with myself, picking up after myself, but throw in picking up every other person that walks through my doors is more than I can handle. People bitch my office is always messy. Well when I cleaned it up I found most of the crap that was out of place was put there by a visitor.

My brother is the worst of all. He leaves cans, wrappers, boxes, ashes everywhere. If it's in his way he moves it, doesn't make sense where he moves it, he just does it. But does he return the stuff when he's leaving? Nope, he just thinks there is a maid running around behind him. He's never lived on his own, he's never had to clean up after himself and he wonders why I get so upset sometimes. He's lost nearly all of my tools, he's trashed every room of my house all the time. He leaves my building unlocked when I'm not here, he leaves my lights on, he leaves doors open, and he wonders why I get aggrevated? I could never have a pet here because he'd let the animal out and run wild in the store, the health department would just love that.

We have no smoking laws and he wonders around this store every day with a lit ciggerette, he thinks that no one will report me. Trust me, someone will report me. After countless reminders he just keeps doing it. He's awful like that, he doesn't see anything wrong with it, so why would anyone else? He doesn't understand my life, he doesn't understand privacy. Mail comes in and he opens it, not thinking that someday he's going to open something that will very likely give him a heart attack. I have ordered things that would make him run in horror.

People just leave their shit everywhere. I spend most of my day picking up after other people, not my customers, just free loaders. I'm about to go crazy!! I love them all and they do so much for me, but they also are driving me crazy!!!!

The other thing that has been aggrevating is my lack of privacy. Having my house in my store means my family can access anything I own at any time during the day, with or without me being aware. I have no privacy. You may ask, why would you need privacy? Well trust me, I'm a single gay male in the closet, I'm thirty years old. There are things I own that people don't need to know. I shouldn't have to hide letters, purchases, etc... My brother opened his own christmas present last year when it arrived in the mail. I was livid and he just thought it was funny.

People use this as their own personal hang out. No one wonders how it much feel to hear laughter and long talks taking place when the owner of the property is serving customers. Everyone else can have a good time and just laugh at me as I get called away every two seconds. These people that have the ability to go off and do things with eachother while I'm stuck here. It makes me feel like even more of a prisoner, in my own home. It drives me crazy. These people are trying to kill me I swear.

Enough, when will they see this? People use my fax machine for long distance calls, these things add up. I have to drop what I'm doing to help these people, at times when I need help. Do you think some of these people have ever lifted a finger to help me? Nope. Some have, but many haven't. I'm tired of being the guy who does everything and gets nothing in return. I'm not looking for much, just a little consideration as well a little respect and privacy. I don't want to have to defend a dirty bedroom when no one should be in my house. I don't wand to have to search for something for three hours when it's not where I left it, because someone thought they needed it more and didn't need to tell me.

I need my own house away from here, or a big lock on my house door.
I love them, but some days I want to mame them.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Strange Feelings from the past

So a few minutes ago my first love came walking through my doors. What was so strange is the fact that I haven't seen her in nearly five years. She looks the same and has the same great attitude. What a strange feeling.

I loved her, I loved her with all of my heart. I tried to be who I am not to keep her happy, to get her to stay. She was the reason I lived a straight life. If we could have made it work I'd probably be married right now with her. It's a strange feeling, she tears my heart in two. On one hand I still love her, but the other part of me has moved on and has accepted who I am, and I know I'd never be happy that way again. She was my best friend, she knew things about me no one else knew, except the fact that I'm gay.

I'm just being flooded with memories right now, both good and bad, it's very confusing but it was so nice to see her and hug her again.

I still have to process this, but had to get it out of my system.