Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Old Man D

Yes, I actually know this man's name but I choose not to use it, I'd hate for his kids to find him in a google search!

But this customer is different. D. is a very funny old man. He took me by surprise when I first met him because he's very loud and boisterous. He comes off harsh and crass but he's a good person. He developed quite a relationship with my sister when she was working quite a bit, and still refers to her as his girlfriend.

D lives a few towns away, in a very small farming community, he and his wife (who I have yet to meet) take care of an elderly woman, even more elderly then they themselves, named Gertie. Gertie loves my macaroni salad and anytime D is near town he must pick her up a pound. She gets one pound at a time and it must be wrapped in a paper bag or it will lose temperature. lol. D used to love the donuts I had here in the store, he would buy up everything I had in the case when they would come to town, but even after I stopped carrying the donuts he still came to town.

He has developed a liking for the macaroni salad also, so now it's two pounds in seperate containers and seperate bags and paid for seperatly. The man is a riot to listen to. If you play back just as much as he plays with you he smiles. Customers that aren't used to that are taken back by me when I talk to him in the way I do, but if I tried any other way he's flip out on me. He's funny.

He enjoys fishing, lots of fishing, but doesn't eat a bit of it. Most of the time he throws them back in unless his grandson wants to take it home. They have a small place on a lake around here somewhere that he enjoys spending time. I sent him a get well card when he had to go down for knee surgery, he said I was trying to butter him up for money. I just laughed.

He had dissappeared for several weeks and I actually became concerned. Finally after four or so weeks he finally reappeared and a sigh of relief came from me. He had gotten very ill and nearly died. I told him I kept watching for his obituary, but knew that nothing would keep him down. He just laughed. I find myself actually caring about these people. I know nothing of their personal lives except what they tell me at the store, and yet I see these people as friends, people I talk to about different things because they open themselves up to me. I care about them and worry when they don't come in. I remember what they are doing in life and ask them about their trips, or how their kids are doing, or how the doctors appointments went. It's not because I enjoy small talk, it's because I actually care. There is a long list of regulars I have in just a short two years that I would need to attend their funerals if anything ever happened to them. It's so wierd at times, but that's one thing I just love about what I do.

It's customer's like D. that make this job the best on the planet. He's more than a customer, he's a friend.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The weight of the world

So yes, I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders this week. While it had a crazy beginning it is having a calming end.

I have spoken to my internet date several times on the phone and while he was interesting in a way, I knew that it would never work out. I have led him on for a week now telling him what he wanted to hear just so I could get him into bed. I finally wised up and ended it before it began, I want a masculine man, I'm not a fem nor will I ever be, nor do I want to date a fem. I want a man because he's a man. If I wanted a drama filled relationship filled with fabulous and all the other stereotypes I'd be with women, but I don't want that.

The main reason I feel so good today is I finally said it out loud. I told my best friend that I was gay. It felt so good. His responce was simple, he already knew. Scarry part is that I knew he had me figured out for years, but never pressured me to say it, never hinted that he knew, but I know he knew. He's the greatest friend I could ever ask for. I know it's only one person, it's not like the world or everyone I knew, but for now, it's enough. I finally have someone I can talk to and not use phrases like this person, or they, or all the other ambiguous words I've used most of my life. I know many others realize it also, but are waiting for me to come to terms with it, and some day I will tell them too. Today was such a huge step and it feels so good. Somone knows and understands and is supportive.

I thank God today for the week I've needed. I've needed a week like this, I've needed to hear the words I've heard, and I needed to stand up for myself and convince myself I'm good enough that I don't need to settle for anything I don't want. And that I have friends that love me for who I am, not who they think I am or who I think I need to be.

I thank God for my life, and I thank God for surrounding me with the people that are here.
Thank you God.
Thank you.

Friday, October 19, 2007

I want it

I'm so angry right now with things happening elsewhere in my life, I want someone to rip my clothes off and have wild angry hot sex right now.

Seriously, right now.

I have a feeling I may have already screwed up with a relationship before it even started. How do i do these things?

Damn it, I pray this day just stops and doesn't get any worse.

Seriously, angry, angry sex, pounding, grunting, scratching, nail biting angry sex.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Big L.

There are the good customers and there are customers like L. He's a customer you pray for an interuption while talking to. Today I was praying for a phone call, or another customer, or a nuclear Haulicaust, anything to get him to stop talking to me.

He's the son of one of my favorite customers, he's in his 40's I think, at least he looks that old. He has gotten through life living off of other people. He had a good job for a short while but did something stupid and screwed up his neck and back. I personally think it was to claim workman's comp. or something else, I've seen it before.

So anyway, he's had two marriages both have failed (because the women he married, yeah, wow) which I don't hold against people, but it's obvious why his have. He had a house in Defiance that he lost to bankruptsy as well as turning over everything else he had. He moved in with his mother and grandmother down the street and just went on bleeding them dry. They gave him everything and he gave nothing in return. He's the type of person who believes the world owes him anything he wants.

He has some tall tails about jobs he's had, which his mother has confirmed he hasn't had, and has just tall tales about everything. He talks and talks and talks, even if I show I'm bored and ready for him to leave, he continues on droning on about things he knows I couldn't care less about! He spends a few cents in here and takes up sometimes an hour of my time, I just want to beat him over the head sometimes!

In the middle is his wonderful daughter E. She's the cutest and most polite kid I've met in a long time. I'm still not sure how on earth she is the way she is, her mother is a trashy tramp and her father is top on my list of obnoxious people on the planet. But there she is, quiet, shy and adorable. I've gotten her to open up a bit and talk to me and has started to treat me like a family friend, she's such a great kid. Her and her grandmother have a great relationship, and that's why her grandmother paid for the lawyer during the nasty custody suit she had to go through. I'm not sure if it's done yet, but I was hoping her grandmother would get custody of her.

Anyway, the big L. inherited a house in a town about 30 minutes from here, he had nothing. He got this house and his mother paid to fix it up to make it livable for his daughter, he has no money and no job and he drives into town in his Pathfinder wasting gas like crazy, not because he has to, but because he's bored. Then ontop of it all, he decided he needed a new Harley because it makes his back feel better, he's making payments but can't afford the insurance, so who pays for that? yeah, his mother.

I feel bad for his mother who is one of the hardest working people around here, she has a full time job, plus about three part time jobs and she does odd jobs when she can. She's helpful, smart, and will help anyone if they ask, I'm not sure how she had such a hillbilly son, I wonder what his father is like? From what his mother tells me, he was quite the dead beat, not surprising.

I feel so lost when I think about it, because the rest of his family is so wonderful, but he is someone I could do without. He has this idea he's going to buy a new house closer to town, he has no job, no insurance, and no money. How does he plan on doing this? I have no idea.
To give you a good visual or a good idea about who this guy is, here is a story his mother told me.

It was christmas last year and he called and said he needed to go pick up a part for E's present and wanted his mom to go with him. He needed to get a battery for a really cool battery operated car he found for her and got a great deal on. Well he got everything he needed and set it on the counter, the guy rang it up and gave him the total. His mother turned around and looked at him and he told her "well I don't have any money, why do you think you're here?" I told his mother I would have walked out and left his ass. But for her granddaughter she paid it and went on with her day. I don't think I could have dealt with that, I would have blown a gasket.

But anyway, that's the Big L.

Well, it's started.

Yes, I contacted the guy from the dating website. He seems like a really nice guy. So far he seems pretty pleased with me as well. I can't help but get my hopes up about the whole thing, I imagine him when I'm alone. When I'm laying in bed clutching my pillow I pretend it's him. It's way too much thinking at this point, I mean we haven't even met. But we seem alike in a lot of ways.

I'm not sure when I will meet him, and I'm already worried about it. What if he doesn't like me? What if my size scares him off after he sees me first hand? What if he's a flammer? What if I don't want to be with a flammer? How will I know? I just have to jump into this and stop being the scared teenager and be the thrity something man I am. It's not like we would run into eachother all the time if it didn't work out.

I just have so many questions, and he only checks his email twice a week, I'm curious about that too. I start to feel as if he's done with me and then he'll email finally. If I'm this way about a guy I haven't even met yet, what about when I do meet him? Will I turn into that jealous and needy guy I once was? Or have I grown from that?

He sent an email in an odd mood that I think I really liked. It was about being lonely and working too much, that is so my life too. I can relate I think to this guy. I'm being more honest with them than most people I meet, I'm not sure why. I really want to see where this goes. Maybe no where, maybe somewhere. But I'm waiting, waiting to feel him pressed against me as we lean in for a kiss.

I have to calm down.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Step number one

Well after an incredibly real dream where I enjoyed the company of another man, and it felt soooooo real, I've decided it's time for the next step.

I was contacted by an online dating service of sorts. I've belonged to many of them and have never responded to anything sent to me, I have just been too scared or nervous or whatever. But this last message has gotten to me, I decided it was time. He asked me to contact him on a different account so I did and told him the ball was in his court, he could ask whatever it was he wanted to know.

I have no idea what will come of this, maybe nothing, but maybe a friend? Maybe a friend with benefits? Who knows, maybe even a relationship. But I'm not getting my hopes up about anything. It will be interesting, I just have to keep pushing myself to move forward, I'm tired of being scared and alone. Even if this isn't anything at least I'm opening myself up again. I want to feel love again, I want to let someone else in. It's rather lonely in here.

Other than that life is pretty normal, just squeeking by everyday. Hoping and praying that things go right so I can build a life I'm proud of.

We'll call him Elmer

I love this life because of the regulars I meet. Where else besides a small town store can you know so much about a person and not be family?

This customer looks like an Elmer so that's what I'll call him. This man is the nicest fellow. A retired farmer and a retired factory worker he and his wife have thier routines. Every thursday is there day out on the town.

They start by taking his wife to the next town over to get her hair done. This is where she has been getting her hair done for the last 12 years, he likes it there and everyone knows her and she knows everyone. It's her chance to catch up on the "old lady news" he calls it. While she is getting her hair done, he wanders over to the local watering hole and sits and discusses life's problems with the local retired farmers over 3 cups of coffee. Any more than that and he gets nervous. Sometimes they are out of coffee or didn't make any that day, so he'll get a couple of diet caffine free pepsi's. When he's done, he wanders back over to the beauty shop and picks up his wife. They stop at the local grocery store and pick up a few items and head back into town. They stop here as they go by to pick up cat food.
Not just any cat food, but 4 slices of boiled ham cut like thick bologna is the line. But recently the poor cat has been ill and the vet said to cut the boiled ham from the diet. She wasn't eating the cat food they got so today he decided to start the cat on bologna. I asked him how he wanted it cut (to be funny) and said.. "Just like thick cut bologna" I nearly peed myself, but did as I was told.

They have lived in the same small house for over 40 years. The second year they bought the home they bought a window airconditioner, and I'll be darned if that thing doesn't still run today like it did back then. It's enough to cool the house and that's the way they like it. A central air unit is just a waste of money, when this is all they need. Every spring he brings it out of the shed, but the neighbor has to help him install it and remove it every year now, he's just too old for that.

Thier poor cat has been sick for 2 weeks and the vet isn't sure what is wrong with her. She doesn't play anymore and won't even lay on her own bed, she lays on the couch now. They are very concerned and aren't sure what to do. He's convinced it's because she's missing the ham, but the wife won't chance it until the vet gives the o.k. He said the cat will just stand infront of the fridge and meow like crazy.

On Thursday nights they meet thier friends up at my aunts restaurant and they have dinner and visit for nearly two hours every week. It's good for them.

Elmer makes me remember my grandfather, so simple, so easy going and in their routine. It's comforting to see and to hear. This is my life, and I wouldn't go back to the old one if you paid me.