Sunday, August 26, 2007

Hotels

Hotels are magical, I love hotels. Hotels are a place away from life, away from the stress, away from your everyday life. Hotels allow you to take a break from your life. A place you don't have to clean, a place you don't have to tidy up, a place you can just relax. It's a place away from life.

I fall asleep so much easier when I'm not in my familiar surroundings. I listen to the sounds of the air conditioner or heater, it's the only sounds I hear. The light coming from under the door from the hallway giving me a sense a security. T.V. that I don't normally watch. Weather and news in a strange and unfamiliar place. Wondering what life is like for these people. Eating take out, eating in a restaurant, letting someone else cook for you.

A place for our family to be together. Partly because we are forced to share these quarters, but in my family that's when it was even better than good. We acted differently, we bonded all over again, we play cards and talk like we don't normally talk. We experience new things together, we are able to swim in pools, soak in hot tubs, play video games. It's a time where you can be someone else.

Hotels are filled with mystery, who was there before you, who will be there after you? Who is in the next room, what kind of adventure are they on? What have these walls seen? What kind of people stay in this room?

Hotels are a break from life, a break from your own reality.

I love hotels.

I miss staying in them more often.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Are you happy being gay?

I belong to an online forum that I frequent and today there was a post that was titled: "Are you happy being gay"

It was from a man who has had a bad run of relationships and is basing his entire life on crappy relationships. Now most of the responces were the same, that all relationships straight and gay are good and bad, and you have to get through the bad ones to find the good ones. But I think they missed the point. The question is quite different to me. Are you happy being gay?

My answer is this: I don't know. I don't know if I'm happy being gay because I keep it hidden. Being gay to me is filled with anxiety, wishing, wanting, and dreaming. How can one be happy hiding himself? I have anxiety about what my life would become if it was known I was gay. People would look at me different and act different towards me, that's even if they were o.k. with it. I know that my one "friend" would never speak to me again and never let me see my god child again. He's suspicious and dropped enough hints to that effect. He's very homophobic and since the height of his susupisions, he has no asked me to sit for the kid and hasn't invited me around as much. I'm not sure what exactly happened that brought his susupicions to it's highest point, I've been fairly careful around him and the people he knows. But he's known me long enough, maybe he picked up on something. I couldn't care less if he was out of my life, he's proved himself already to not be a real friend, but to never see the child again breaks my heart. But being raised in such a manner the child will never speak to me when he gets older either. So why the anxt? I have no idea if that's how I spell that or not.

I have a hard time letting go. I know that when people come out of the closet that the people around them are waiting to see the stereotypical flamer come rushing out of thier blood stream. I'm still the same person I was when I thought I was gay. I'd still be uncomfortable telling some of you about my sex life, just as much now as I was then. Nothing changes, in me anyway.

Am I happy being gay? I guess we'll have to see. I know who I am right now, it makes me nervous, it's make me anxious, it makes me scared and it makes me sad, but it's who I am. I have accepted that, well mostly. A part of me thinks that once I'm with a man I may not like it, that it won't be anything that I thought it would be and want to give it up, but the rest of me trusts in my instincts. Sex with women has done nothing for me. I got through it because lets face it, I was a horny kid, I'd sleep with anything that let me!!! But now that I'm older, I want more.

Growing up I never could have pictured living my life with another man, it wasn't norm, it wasn't the picture that was shown before me. But as I grow older and meet new people and see new things I realize it's so natural. If it is who you are, it's very natural, it's like spending the rest of your life with your best friend. I can't wait to meet that person. The person that will know who I am, that will know my fears, what makes me happy, and what really turns me on. I want to lay in bed with a man and not feel self conscious, to let my mind just stop and live in the moment. I long for that moment. I also long to snuggle again, oh how I miss it.

I submitted an anonymous love letter to the man I love. It could never be and I'm realistic about it, but it felt good to write it out. He'll never see it, which is a good thing, but it made me feel better. One of the people online I talk to told me that it's very unhealthy to love your best friend when you know it will never happen, but why is that? I don't expect anything different from him, I don't treat him any different than I do my other best friend, so how unhealthy can it be? Some day a man will sweep me off my feet and I'll still love my best friend. What would be unhealthy would be if I were to try and act on my feelings towards him. That could be disasterous. In this big bad world he is one of two people outside of my family that I trust. He's my best friend.

So am I happy being gay? I'll let you know when I know. I try to not let it get me down too much, I know when it's time it will happen. But how much different would it be being gay? I still hate clubs, and I wouldn't change myself, so what would be so different? I'd probably still end up dateless (lol) so my life would be exactly the same.

After this revolution, I'll ask myself one last time.
Are you happy being gay?
Yes.

How about you?

If anyone reads this can they please leave a comment. I just want to know that someone is reading this somewhere. Even if you don't like it, that's cool too.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Gay dating

So I find myself wondering what gay dating would be like. In my previous relationship with women there really hasn't been much "dating" persae. They were both friends first so we just skipped over the whole dating part. I don't think I've really been on a real date before. How sad is that at my age? I did go on one blind date seveal years ago, but it was horrible, and it was a double date, so I don't really count it. So anyway, I've been wandering around the chub dating sites, as I am a chub I want someone who is either turned on by the idea of a chub or at least knows what they are in for.

Chub dating sites for the bigger cities are really great, but for someone who lives in a very small town and isn't close enough to a big enough city to make it viable. I'm saddened by this fact. But these are the choices I made in my life. I wonder what would have happened if I had chosen to live away? I would like to think I would take that opportunity to change my life into living a life of who I am, but I lived away for several years prior to moving back and I didn't do a damn thing with my personal life there either. To the people I still know up there I'm the straight man. I had a prime opportunity living in a very large city with so many different cultures I could have lived the life, and yet I was too ashamed and not ready to accept who I really was. Just the occasional boughts of "gayness" as I used to call it. Like my weekend phone sex escapades. Thought my rommate wasn't home that night, turns out he was. I'm pretty sure he heard the moaning as well as the conversation coming from my room. He hasn't spoken to me since and it was 4 years ago. It was a long 6 monts of living together when your roommate isn't talking to you. But it was my own stupidity.

I re-read some of the items I post and it seems like I've been whining alot. I'm usually not that type of person, I think alot of it has to do with my current situation, and the rest? Well I guess there is one thing in my life I regret. It's the fact that I'm not brave enough to live like who I am, I put on this charade and pretend to be something I'm not. Making up excuses as to why I'm not dating, making excuses as to why I'm 30 and single. Eventually the jig will be up, but then again I have had a couple of family members who passed away in thier 80's and were never married, so maybe I can claim it's in the blood.

But I'm so ready to date. I want to feel the feeling that is only possible when you first meet someone. I want to cuddle on the couch and watch movies, I'd like to hold hands when walking through a park just talking. I want to put my head on his chest and listen to him breath, I want to crawl ontop of him and massage him after a long day. I want to be able to be naked and be accepted by someone!!! Wow, am I pathetic or what?

I'm so ronry, so ronry and sorrro and sad, it's kind of sirlly, but not rirrry. (Sorry a little song from Team American for you) I am, I'm so lonely. I used to get into lonely moods when I first moved on my own. I would cry myself to sleep some nights because all I ever wanted was arms wrapped around me, someone to rub my back and tell me it was going to be o.k because we had eachother. And yet, no one. I'm not a willy nilly boy, I am straight acting, I have many gay interests which people question, but I'm tired of being the strong one in the relationship, I want to lean on someone, to be able to lean "into" someone. Someday right? I hope so.

So yeah I'll end this entry on a lonely note. I'll fall asleep tonight cuddling with my pillow dreaming my hand is running over my boyfriend's chest as he leans down to kiss my head and rub my back as I drift off to sleep.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Just another day

Well I'm still exhausted, but not nearly as horny. My neighbor must have gone to work today because he's not outside to stare at. I've decided I just need one really great night of passion to relieve some of the stress in my life right now. Just one heated night of pure lust and get it out of my system for awhile. Yeah, that would be nice.

I've been a very angry person here lately. I'm not sure what my problem is. I think it's a combination of everything going on in my life. My two best friends seem to be spending less and less time with me. I'm a little depressed about that. I'm not sure what's happening or what's going on, maybe I've turned into a bad friend. But I listen to them, I get involved and I let them vent whenever they want. Maybe it's my mood that is shying them away right now, maybe it's the fact that I'm always working, but is a quick phone call too much to ask? I've made some phone calls myself but no answers, I think I'm going to try again tonight.

My hectic non sleeping life right now has made me one bitchy boy. It's no wonder people don't like to hang out with me the whole 1/2 hour I'm available! ; )

Well anyway, that's all for today

Monday, August 13, 2007

Exhausted and Horny

How is it I can be so exhausted and yet feel so horny at the same time? It's a conundrum.

So these 17 hour days I think will kill me by the end of the week, but I have to do what I have to do right? I'm slowly making it and trying to stay awake throughout the day. I have no energy to do anything and yet I'm so borred. If I had the energy I could make myself do some things but I really don't want to. I've been searching through the blogs that I read and following links to other blogs. I am truely obbsessed with blogs, I love reading about other people's lives, and especially some of the gay ones. They have some hot photos and some hot stories, but honestly just a regular blog from a normal gay guy is great too! It's wierd, I can hear the same story from a straight guy, but somehow the same story from the gay man takes on a new perspective, and I just love it. I guess that's a little strange, yet sooo true.

I'm having problems waking up in the mornings and I fall asleep off and on throughout the day, not on purpose but because my eyes are so heavy they want to stop. But I keep going.


I would like to take a minute and discuss some serious gay issues, but I really am not educated on such a thing, just what I hear in the news. I hear about the Republicans wanting to ban gay marriage, wanting to send the gays right to hell and it drives me up a wall. I myself claim to be a republican, and somehow every group I once believed in would not accept me for who I am. How sad is that? I was a huge fan of West Wing when it was on t.v. and there was an episode where a republican senator was arguing with Josh and Josh asked him how he could be a republican when his party doesn't approve of him? I loved his answer "Being gay is not all I am, it's only a portion of who I am. If you believe in the greater picture that's what you follow." It's so true, as much as I hate some of the things the republican party is doing, not just to me but as a whole I get so pissed.

The republican party of today is not a republican party. I like to think of them as democrat light. The both believe in bigger government and that goes against what the republican party was founded on. But enough years of corruption and suddenly no one can think for themselves and the government must grow larger to protect everyone. It drives me crazy. But that is another rant for another time.


Anyway no one is really reading this thing anyway, but I have fun doing it, so I guess I'm just writing to myself. How sad. : ( nah, it's more just for me anyway!!!

Friday, August 10, 2007

A long week

So I'm in for a really long week, one right after another. I'm working 17 1/2 hours a day for the last week and still have another week to go. I love what I do, and these two weeks are worth it in the end, but the stress and the lack of sleep is going to kill me. I've been at this for almost two years now and I'm slowly making headway but I'm exhausted.

It's not that I don't know I have to pay my dues, I'm paying my dues, but I'm so tired. I have no idea how long this will go on, and I'm not sure how long I can do it. I feel like I'm such a huge disappointment to everyone. That I can't get this store to pay the bills, that I can't afford to pay my own, that I'm still borrowing money from time to time from my parents. I work so I can stop that, I work more to try even harder to keep that from happening. I work and I work and I work to try and pay back my parents what I've borrowed. They say they are not in a rush, but my parents are in their sixties and I borrowed part of their retirement fund. I can't stand the thought, but I couldn't talk them out of it. I had such high hopes for this, such lofty goals. I didn't borrow near enough money to do this. I'm trying to compete with stores that have hundreds of thousands in inventory. Looking around I have ten thousand if I'm lucky, and I'm not that lucky. How do I think I can do this? How did I think this would work?

I have still have hopes and dreams for this place, but I'm not sure I'll survive to the end. There are days I just want to lock the doors and walk away, but I can't. My brother would be upset to see his construction work handed over to someone else, my parents wouldn't see something completed, but where do I draw the line between disappointment and failure?

I sitll don't regret doing this, not in the least. I had a dream and I'm trying to achieve it. I just don't have the energy or drive I had at one time, where can I find it? Suppliers are blocking me, they give me the run around and I could just scream!!!!

But I digress, I created this to get my personal and most private thoughts out, no one lets me say them outloud and some of them I can't say out loud. Not yet.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

a dream of reallity

So last night I had a great dream. It was not a sexual dream, but the context of the dream is quite an awakening from my subconcious.

The dream took place in my old bedroom, the bedroom I had when I first moved out. One of my roommates at the time was a very cute guy. He was openly gay, but I was/am not. Anyway the dream was me coming into the bedroom undressing to go to bed. He was in bed laying there in his underware talking to me like it was nothing. We talked as if we were a couple, we acted as if it was an ordinary night, like we did this every night of our lives.

It was very relaxing, to feel so relaxed with another person in my bedroom. It was a comfort level like one I haven't had in a long time. Even when I had it, it didn't feel like this.

I looked up the meanings of all the items in my various dream dictionaries and it told me in not so many words that keeping myself bottled up is driving me crazy and that it's time to come out. It was my subconsious confirming what I've been fighting all this time. I've finally come to terms with it myself over the last year and suddenly my mind is pushing me forward!! I'm not sure how to take this dream besides the obvious. I think I'll just take it as a chance to picture this cute guy in his underware. ; )

Monday, August 6, 2007

Religion

Yikes! I know what you're thinking. First blog out of the gates and he's touching on such a controversial topic as religion?? What's he thinking??
I'm not, that's part of the problem, or am I thinking too much? hmmm.....

So anyway, I went to church yesterday for the first time in months. My job keeps me worn down so much and so I've been taking Sunday's as a day of rest. When I was going at first I couldn't stay awake so I gave up and worshiped in my own way on my own time. But Sunday was different, I decided to go.

Usually I sit in church and I am filled with happy feelings. I feel closer to everyone, I feel closer to God and I feel connected. But yesterday that was different.

The older I'm getting the more accepting I am of myself and the fact that I am gay. It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with it and I hurt many people in the process. I'm not an obvious case of "duh, I knew he was gay, look at how he talks/walks/uses his hands too much when he's talking" I'm a very normal quiet shy guy who very few have suspected anything about. Anyway I'm now 30 years old and have accepted my sexuality, and the more I accept it the more I wonder how it will effect the lives of those around me. How will it change if it ever comes to the surface?

So again, I'm sitting at church and I'm listening to the words of the sermon and I keep thinking: What happens to these words if they find out I'm gay? Will these words suddenly be followed by the words "except for you"? How can I worship with people that would shun me from church if they found out? I grew up in that church and suddenly I'd be unwelcomed in the church of God? I know these people and how they think. We have one gay couple who tried to attend but certain members made them feel very unwelcomed while the others just ignored the whole thing. In my church homosexuality has been deemed a sin. Well let me rephrase that, active homosexuality is a sin. As long as you're celebant you are not against God, but when you are a practicing homosexual you are a sinner who needs help. They do not condon active homosexuality. I'm not asking my church to condon me sucking dick any more than the 32 year old dentist that beats his wife, or the guy across the isle that is sleeping with his secretary. But do we shun them from church? Nope. We beleive they are accepted because they are man and woman. I've battled with this most of my life, if God didn't make me this way, then who did?

I do not choose to be this way, I've tried so hard in my mind and my heart to choose the straight life, to avoid the persecution, to avoid the hate and the anger, and yet here I am. This is a part of me. I did not choose to be gay anymore than my brother chose to be straight. It's all in who we are. It's not everything I am, but it's a part of who I am. How could God not accept me for who I am? Who he made me to be? Are you going to stand there and tell me that my ever loving God, my all knowing, all powerfull and omnipitent God is going to send me away? My God that I have worshiped all my life, the one and only God who loves unconditionally will send me to the firey pits of hell because I wish to share my life with someone I love? Someone who is not a deviant, not a sexual preditor, not an abuser, just your run of the mill average joe. Are you telling me that the 22% of marriages that are terrible, filled with people that hate each other is so much better than me finding someone I love and respect? Just because I want to live my life with another man?

Where is the religion that accepts gay people? The religion that accepts people for who they are, not who they pretend to be. Is this the real reason I haven't been going to church? Could my subconsious be guiding me? Or is it my self defense mechanism taking over and protecting me from being hurt by yet more people? One of my support people for my business is gay. He's open about it, not to the point of shoving it in your face, but he's very honest and open and so is his partner. I listen to the things being said, see how they treat him without even knowing him and it makes me sick! Someday I'll be confident enough to ask him how he deals with it, how he puts up with it.

Part of my church problem is the fact that I spent my youth imgaining getting married there. What it would look like, the feeling of standing up front declaring my love for another person, and I know that it will never happen. Reality comes shattering in to the thought of this: Even if I came out and found someone would my family be comfortable enough to go to a comittment ceremony? Even if they were comfortable with the gay thing, seeing it is a whole nother ball game. The man I hope to find would have the great sense of humor, the feeling of family, be able to talk sports with my uncles. Being gay isn't always interior decorating and fashion. Can I get them to see that? Or would I not be accepted by the family either, or maybe I wouldn't be allowed to bring anyone with me. I've never been a public touchy feely type of guy so it's not like I would be making out with the guy on the dinner table!

Maybe I'm over thinking it, maybe they would be very accepting. I know a few would, but I worry about others. My parents make me the most nervous. They have supported me in everything I've ever done, would they be there for me then? I think over the years my mother has become suspicious, and I think over time she would be able to deal with it. Maybe not fully accept it, but deal with it I think she could do. My father, well he's gruff on the outside, but we're the same person on the inside. I talk to my father alot, he knows I'm not the strong "I'll kick your ass" type, he knows I'm a little different, but I'm not sure he thinks anything other than that. I honestly think he'd get past it as well, but why rock the boat at this point? Why get everyone in a hissy if I've never even been with a guy, I've never kissed a man, I've never even gropped a guy (well sober anyway). If I never found anyone to date would it be worth it? Or should I just wait until there is a need to tell them.

But yeah, the religous thing scares me too. I've heard the arguments on both sides and they both have logical points, what if my decision is wrong? I would never want to willfully live a life against God. It's a discussion I would love to have with my pastor because he is the most understanding person I've met in my life. But how confidential can it be? They say he lets it in one ear and leaves it locked up, but what if it's something like this? Who can I trust? I trust random people on the internet, but never anyone who knows me? I've come close to telling my best friend, but I worry he'll change how we talk, or what we talk about. I don't want that. When people come out of the closet it seems like thier whole lives have to be about being gay, wether they want it to or not. While it is a big part of who I am, at the same time it's just a mere portion of who I am.

I know I'm not the only person with these questions, with these feelings, but if I don't talk about them somewhere I knew I would just explode, so I think this is why the first entry is going to be the longest.

I yearn to have someone next to me at night. I yearn for touch. While I was trying to be straight that was my favorite part. Snuggling up to my girlfriend, falling asleep with her against me. To hug, to kiss, to know what love is. It really sounds like a ballad from the eighties doesn't it? I've come to sleeping embrassing a pillow. Everynight pretending it's a warm man I love I get to get close with. I put my hand on his chest and my head on his shoulder and drift off to sleep listening to his rythmic breathing. To feel his bare chest under my palm and not feel ashamed, to have his arm around me and feeling safe. To snuggle on the couch with eachother, to just be comfortable around another person, oh how I yearn for it all. And of course the hot wild sex that would happen in between.

On a lighter and more sexual note I love the male body. I love to stare at it. I love shirtless men, I love men in shorts, in pants, in suits, in jeans, in anything and out of anything. The man that finally gets me will love the first time I make him lay totally nude and let me lick, smell and feel every square inch of his body. It's been a fantasy of mine for so long. ARG!!!!! I want it. 30 years of hormones will someday be unleashed upon some unknowing man, how I can't wait. You can only masturbate so much, and it's just not doing it anymore. I need to feel him.

Well I think that's enough for today, you can probably expect random thoughts on this blog, general what's happening in my life entries as well as sexual fantasies, I have a million. Everytime I see my neighbor outside about a million more come to mind. Now if you excuse me I have to go stare some more at the shirtless hottie across the street. ; )